Tuesday, July 1, 2008

micro management moments

my boss thinks i'm such an idiot that she has to ask me every 20 minutes where i'm at in my work, what i'm doing, and that i should work and talk if i'm going to talk. she thinks i can't do my job. she thinks i'm incompetent.

which means i now i have a right to be a complete slacker and stop trying totally and utterly.

YAY!!!!

I want to post a chunk of my book.. but i'm afraid you will all (all none of you) will pee yourself with excitement. and we wouldn't want that now, would we? cat pissed in her box. she'll be poopin on my floor soon. i'm soo over her. my brother in-law thinks its the change. i think she's just being a bitch.

although i could be wrong. but at this point.. i don't care.

i ate burger king tonight. when will i learn?

i'm figuring when i hit 300 lbs.

good times huh?

so now what? i've dug myself into debt this paycheck and its wrong. i feel like a retard money wise. :( lets hope it doesn't happen again.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

selective informing

why has my little sister not told our (being hers and mine) friend Crystal that she's 5 months pregnant? Funny how that works right? I told Crystal because I thought my little sister had already told her only to find out ... she hadn't.

Sooo now crystal is infuriated and she feels totally abandoned by her so-called friend who's all of a suddenly stopped calling her. I.. feel like a heel stuck in the middle of this bogus situation. \

My mind's been all over the place. last week was horrifying for me.

BOYS COVER YOUR EYES!!!

PCOS is killin me. the new birth control meds have totally messed me up. I passed a blood clot on thursday and missed work due to the massive waves of nausea and pain that flooded my entire body and senses. turns out my body clotted which could have caused huge complications to my body. When i called my doc, her nurse said she'd pass on the message.

Friday I went into work and an hour into it, the symptoms started again. I passed a clot at work and cried for 10 minutes on the bathroom floor as the mass amounts of blood loss made me feel overly anemic. the dizziness was taking over. by lunch, I couldn't stop shaking, the blood had washed from my face, leaving me ashen and my lips blue. pain came in gushes as my body expelled more blood.

i tell my boss goodbye and wait for my manager. suddenly i'm hit with a flash of pain and to avoid a scene i bolt for the back of the office... to the breakroom. i sit.. and uncontrollably start crying. my body won't stop shaking. my manager finds me in a ball huddled in a corner. he takes me home. dizziness starts...

i barely get inside where i pass out. really.

i wake up hours later, with a splitting headache on my living room floor.

saturday, cramps and cleaning.

sunday, best friend comes over and we hang out. cramps, swimming, cleaning, and shopping.

friday night my co-workers went out. after witnessing my pain... i still get a text message at 10pm askin if i'm comin. i'm like... uhhh... no. no reply. whatever. jerks.

I've found that they are fairweather friends who only want to hang when its convenient to them. I don't want people like that to be my friends. they suck. whatever.

i'm sooo tired. bed time.

when did we incorporate the necessity of the frenemy?

is it so important to have people around that we settle for those who will tear us down behind our backs?

and .. when will we ever learn to be happy in our solitude?

time for some much needed "ME" time.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Summer Solstice

So apparently my brain has gone into overdrive, overun by my own emotions as i become lost in my own thought processes and wonder so many things about myself. I know soon I'll be starting my monthly cycle because I can't stop fighting the urge to cry at commercials on tv, stories on msn.com and well.. when my cat wants to cuddle. It seems my emotions have gone haywire.

And as always, my body runs with the earth. It is summer solstice today, the first day of summer, 115 degrees outside and proving to be every inch of the pit of hell. the moon is full, my body is going insane, and summer is truly here.

I've started writing again thank god. I thought i was dead inside. but yes, i've taken up with an old story that i started a while ago and decided that I could see this one through! so i will do my best, small goals and all.

I picked out my yearly set of free glasses. Salvatore Ferragamo is one of the most talented designers. I've picked a pair of his ophthalmic pair of glasses supplied by Luxottica which is an amazing company that supplies high end designer couture wear in many different fields. I was also told that if I wanted to continue to wear contacts... I'll have to go rigid lens. RGP's are a whole new monster that I'll get to try on monday. I'm scared shitless.

okay shower time.

tainted

i watched the end of the mens gymnastics us trials for the olympics today. I watched as these men had their dreams either made real or destroyed. i watched the olympic commercials showing the beauty of beijing.

and all the while i could not stop picturing the open graves of darfur.

As much as I would love to support our olympians this year... i cannot. i cannot support this olympics as we all pretend genocide has not happened and refuse to take control of sudan.

and we.. by we i mean the un.. has allowed CHINA!! to stop us from stopping the killing, the raping, the utter destruction Darfur and now Chad.

so now what?

china... you sicken me. sudan.. you disgust me. and the UN.. you are cowards.

I WILL NOT SUPPORT THE OLYMPICS.

Monday, June 9, 2008

goodbye del.

the world is full of cynics. It takes the innocent mind and twists it.. deforms it into these bitter, grumpy husks of humans who walk around hating each other as well as themselves.

And then one falls in love. and what does it do?

It forces its loved one into submission. it loves with an iron fist. it loves, it destroys, and it moves on to the next sentient being. I've witnessed this and watched the utter desolation as it tears through otherwise wonderful people.

Tonight... I write this Eulogy for Del. Del Sunlover as I'll always know you.

We met on Plenty of Fish, lonely scared individuals looking for a little compassion and attention. We found ourselves to be remotely attracted only to meet and realize we were something much more than lovers or friends. we were family. You sir were my brother. my sidekick. my compadre. You were the Gidget to my Laroo. The Batman to my Robin. Arthur to my THE TICK. we watched hilarious movies, drank in dive bars, listened to amazing bands together. we talked to all hours of the night about bad dating, crazy women and men, and laughed at the stupidity of the internet.

You always made me smile with your plans of moving to San Luis Obispo and taking me with you as your crazy ass roommate who you hope doesn't kill you in the middle of the night.

You were my makeshift date to my christmas party. How the hell did we make it home alive that night!?

All i know... is that you will not be replaced but forever missed as your new girlfriend has demanded that you love her and her alone which leaves no room for any friends.

I wish you the best in your afterlife as I mourn your death.

Who knew that getting laid could kill a man on the inside?

apparently I did.

So.. Goodbye Del. Don't let the frienship door hit you in the nutsack that you're dragging behind you on the way out.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

FINALLY!!! OVER IT!!!

Thank you Yahoo.

L: what up
S Dot: whaat up how did it go last nite
L: i came to the conclusion that arthur fucked up and its irreversable.
L: he stayed the night last night
S Dot: okay...
S Dot: what happened?
L: well... last night he came over and we went walking. got good exersize
L: then came back to the apartment and asked if i wanted to go get something to drink.
L: first of all... he's a tight wad.
S Dot: lol
L: he didn't buy me dinner last night even after i said i was hungry even though i've bought him dinner a bunch of times.
L: the man is the king of dutch.
L: he RELUCTENTLY bought me a freakin vitamin water from the gas station.
L: then we came back to my house and we watched Knocked up.
S Dot: yeah you do not need a dude that wont pay for shit
L: he's selfish and spoiled
S Dot: sounds like
S Dot: so did you give him some?
L: hell no
S Dot: good girl!!
L: so after the movie we crashed on my bed and i told him that since he's not willing to commit then ya know.. i'm not gonna allow him to fuck with my emotions
L: so last night we were layin down and i was ready to crash and he spooned me... then pressed himself against me multiple times.
L: ya know.. if i still liked him... i'd have given in.
S Dot: you did good
L: instead i told him no. that i couldn't. i didnt want to go there with him.
L: so he woke up this morning, showered, and left for work.
L: and ya know what???
L: I kinda don't wanna see him again.
L: not like that.
S Dot: really?
S Dot: that's good
S Dot: you're over it huh
L: yeah.
L: i mean he really hurt me before and you know how i am about that. i have a very hard time getting over being hurt
S Dot: yeah...i heard that
L: and then i relaized i'd rather be alone then have some chubby mexican think he can rub himself against me when he doesnt wanna date me.
S Dot: apparently i'm pretty good at it lol
L: LOL
S Dot: LOL that's funny
L: yeah.
S Dot: yeah girl you deserve way better
L: just felt funky.
S Dot: yeah
L: i agree.
S Dot: what you doing
L: something in my brain is slowly changing.
L: nothin
L: wanna come over, work out and maybe hit the pool?
S Dot: yeah that sounds good

See??? I'm done. taking advantage can only go so far. lol

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

so today my boss decided to treat me like an incompetent retard.

i'm fucking frustrated tired and dieting.

i'm sleepy and feeling shitty.

i think... its time to find a new job.

i'm such a nomad.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

she's depressed.

painting: Cisya by Kevin Garner
She's Depressed

By: L


A retrospective of the typical young woman.


She sat on the flattened carpet of her living room staring at the pages of the fashion magazine. Tears skipped down her cheeks as she caught her reflection in the thirty two inch television in front of her. she sobbed as she stuffed another dingdong in her mouth.


This was her life. No willpower, no control, no freedom. She was huge. Larger now than a baby elephant she cried with depression as her body became a prison in her own mind. Nothing could stop the self destruction that engulfed her mind.


When had she gotten to this level? Was it before or after he’d left? Was it always in her genetic makeup? With a mother whose hips could be called voluptuous by the kind and fat by the cruel, and aunts who’s witnessed lifelong battles with bulimia, weight loss, sickness haunted her. She’d grown up in a house with one mother, one person who was rarely home and when she was… there was always sopa cooking. She grew up in a world of rice, tortillas, spaghetti, beef. A house of heaping plates and maybe dessert. What was she taught?


“Mija, you better eat all that food on your plate.”


“God mija I cannot believe you ate all that food. You are getting fat like your mother.”


The depression started early. Her soul buried under pan dulce and empanadas. A culture clash home of Kebob Persian salad and tacos. A world of Koolaid and Lil Debbie cakes. It was harsh and uncontrolled and her own fault.


Where was the discipline? Where was the “Don’t eat that! You’ll ruin your dinner?” When dinner was heaping portions of Hamburger Helper and bread. What has she turned into?


Now, as she reaches her last rope, test results telling her she’s healthy as a horse under all 290 pounds of her. her heart beats, her cholesterol is fine yet her mind… her mind he rotten. What now? She sits… and she cries.


How long will it take for her to become the full coward that embodies her soul and slit those chubby wrists? How long will it take for her to drink herself to death one weekend? To walk into traffic? To wander into the desert and let nature kill her?


How long will it take for her to die as she so desperately wants to?


And where is the help? Where is the loved ones with support? Where is the person who will scream at her until she gets off her ass and goes jogging? Where is the person who will save her? because she sure as hell isn’t going to do it herself.


Will it be you?

Thursday, May 22, 2008

fruition

Today was interesting. a storm rolled in and darkened the skies. Wind blew so hard it almost blew my wig off! ;p hah i love that saying. "what you tryin to do!? blow my wig off?!" lol

It brought thunder, lightning, sheets of rain poured down on my desert, saturating the land and cleansing the skies. people ran for cover as if the clouds sprayed us with deadly acid. I stood and let the beautiful water dowse my face. it cooled me from this vicious heat that's plagued us too early. I wanted to run in it. I let it soak into my shoes, bathing my toes in its cold splender. my soul felt clean.

I decided to use my old crappy lil hp camera to record little clips of it. this one.. was taken at my lunch hour at home.



What started as just tiny lil clips to catch the rain we so seldom receive... turned into a strange videography of my nightly emotions. they seem surreal... almost... unhealthy in their psychotic voice (mic issue) and jumbled erratic movements...



I try my damnedest to express the passion i feel about the soft enchanting sound of the downpour. I try to bring you into my mind as i explore the rainy night.



and finally I can only express my love for it. you are left feeling strange... almost lost.. as i felt.



but all in all... this pretty lil bell flower which had fallen from the tree in front of my balcony became a pretty little picture. :) I'm playin around with the macro setting on the cam. i have no idea how to use it but so far... this is the best pic i've gotten :p

silver lining

with all that's happened... its amazing how we all continue on with our lives, living as if we have no choice. but we all have choices and we make the choice to be strong and push on if not for ourselves but for each other.

my sister had light contractions this morning.. but nothing severe. she'll be havin Ethan soon. I'm so excited that I cannot contain myself. I'll be an auntie again and cannot wait to hold the little bundle of joy in my arms. I'm always fearful of holding a newborn, as if i'd drop him on the his lil soft spot and the world would end around me. so ... I've backed off before but this time.. I will not!! I want to be at the hospital and I want to be there for my sister.

I'll be taking in my nephiew Eric's cat Ruby in while Ethan acclimates to his new life. Its just safer for him and the cat if the cat is with me. plus I live up the street so Eric and Emma can come visit Ruby at any time. :)

I took Eric to see the movie which was long drawn out and exquisite to the eye. its one of those films that makes you dream of myths and legends. I wish i were a mermaid. its amazing how that thought sprung from nowhere lol

he loved it. I took him to best buy and spent a crapload of money on silly things but he and I had a blast and thats what counts. I love him to bits. I know that now he means the world to me. As i can't see myself having children of my own I tend to spoil my sister's.

I saw Death Note last night with Del and his dad. I LOVE HIS FATHER!! he's awesome. silly and earthy. a true hippy. he's got some great stories. The movie probably would have been good if not for the emo/goth smelly chunky nerdfest that surrounded us with their ubernerd snide comments and giggles throughout the movies. and then there were the fat chicks sighing at the japanese actors who were maybe remotely goodlooking. it was frustrating. I hope to buy the movie and try again soon. the concept is amazing and I think this is one movie that if taken seriously... america can make it fantastic.



I got my test results from the Doctor today. turns out I have Polycycstic Ovary Syndrome. ;( its not life threatening but it makes life hell and now i know why i've been suffering for so many years. I go on the 31st for an appointment with Dr Woods to talk about treatment. there is no cure... but there is life after diagnosis. we'll see. I'm also goin to a lapband seminar that same day. I don't know. I'll see. I fear that if i do it... i'll only suffer. but .. i can't live like this anymore. i'm trapped in a body that is fucking healthy as a horse according to my test results except for the PCOS.

my blood pressure, glucose, blood sugar, cholesterol, cell count and so on were all perfect. it even freaked my dr out a lil. but... the weight will not go away with the PCOS. i'll still be an angry bitch with peach fuzz and depression if i don't fix it. so we'll see.

now.. i'm off to bed.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

good sundays

despite the pain my family's goin through right now, I decided I'm not about to wallow in it. I'm not about to marinate in my stupid little sister's drama. I decided that I'd live my life without her.

So I'm taking my little nephiew Eric to see The Chronicals of Narnia: Prince Caspian. He's dying to see the movie and so am I so I figured I'd take him for some quality L time. :p

I gotta stop at best buy for a mic and maybe a webcam for the radio show. we'll see. i'm kinda out of it.

i just had a serving of lemon pudding (thanks D heh) and now its time for bed. :P

Friday, May 16, 2008

aftermath

so i'm done with her. she called me to tell me the next morning and all i could do was play it off as if i didn't know. i pretended as the anger built up.

you have to understand...

round 1:

i woke up one morning in the old condo to find my little sister sick to her stomach and scared shitless. she's tellin me she thinks she might be pregnant. she has a boyfriend named billy. but while she was just starting a relationship with him, she was finishing up with her fuckfest with a disgusting 36 year old man who's daughter she babysitted.

so what do i do? i lecture her then take her to walgreens to get her prego test.



I rush her home, i crack it open, i stand by as she pees on it. we wait. I"M the one who checks it. yep... she's not only pregnant but the damned plus sign bar is the first to pop up. no confusion possible.

I take her to barnes & nobles, get her pregnancy books. I tell her she needs to tell her family. for some reason she tells her mother and our sister D that they are the only ones who know. not even me. which makes no sense and makes me feel kinda like shit. but ... she's my lil sis and i'm stickin to her.

I take her to baby's R us. we have a looksee at all that she can get. she's confused. not sure what to do. her mom... "you need to weigh out your life and what will happen if you keep it" my sister D "abortion is wrong".

me: "You need to do what's right for you as its your life, your body and your decision. you cannot let others make it for you and you have to face that. you and you alone will make this decision. let me know what you decide."

her: "I'm keepin it!" ... wait... "I can't keep it!"

it just gets worse. she finally decides to abort it. I tell her i'll go with her so she doesnt go alone. NO she says...

Instead she cries and begs my sister D to go with her. not only is this going against every moral fiber in D's being but she's 4 months pregnant and already showing. but Jenny doesnt want me or her mom. she wants D only.

so reluctantly D agrees to accompany her to her abortion.

My older sister and I had to witness the pain, the blood the horrific view of the ultrasound and then the death. they gave her 2 pills. 1 to initiate 1 to finish the job to take later. She has the abortion in my older sister's loft in her house. in pain, on the floor in a lil makeshift bed.

i freak out standing by with the news as its extremely dangerous for her as she's soo small.

D and I have frayed nerves and have to walk around with this horrible secret on our souls hidden from jenny's father. He can never know. if he did, he'd kill her.

to this day... he knows nothing. its been 5 months.

my sister d is now about to have a baby.... less than 2 weeks now... she's about to burst. and we find that Jen ... is pregnant again.
3.5 months to be exact. which means she did not take her birth control like she was supposed to and she did not learn her lesson from the first round and she did not keep her promises to D and I to wait. Instead... less than 2 months after the abortion, she's not only having sex but is pregnant and not telling a soul.

she says its billy. but i know its not because i know billy and he was done with her long before this.

so who's is it?

who cares...

what i care about is the fact that my older sister feels so incredibly betrayed and the moral burden on her soul has just collapsed onto her. she cant stop crying. she's breaking down. she feels so alone and angry at jen and she has every right to.

sooo... thats it. Jen's on my shit list and i have no remorse. may she learn her lessons the hard way and may her mother who's decided to pretend like the abortion that she had no problem with never happened, witnesses the pain and disgrace that D and I did.

Jenny is no longer our problem and I no longer care about her stupid childish games.

and you wonder why i can't find peace?

wel not anymore.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

just when you think you're outta the woods

simple post.

my stupid ass little sister who's life is already a fucking shambles turns out to be pregnant. who's the daddy everyone wants to know!! she says... billy. i say.. paul. that disgusting fucking child molesting sex offender.

now what's she gonna do?

not ANOTHER abortion! (this would be number 2! it was a great christmas gift you bitch! its not a form of contreception you retard!!! why couldnt' you have learned from the first massive fiasco!!??)

who knows. i dont care anymore.

from this moment on.. i only have one sister.

I"M FUCKING OVER HER GAMES LIES AND BULLSHIT

Friday, May 9, 2008

EVIL - and the art of time wasting.

First of all... I answered the questions to this lil test out of pure honesty, not even a drop of deceit was put into it to make myself seem more/less evil.





You Are 76% Evil



You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.

Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.





Now seeing as it says i'm over THREE QUARTERS evil... i'm worried. i mean not really for my soul.. more for my social standing. being evil isnt everything. i mean... lets look at this for a moment.

Evil usually amounts to people with

  1. a skull for a head (flaming or not)
  2. wearing ugly colored spandex tights
  3. living in a cave, lair, mountain/volcano cut out of some kind
  4. apparently never winning...
  5. having to kidnap people for a decent date
  6. having to hide in the shadows unless extremely rich and maybe goodlooking (see 1 for exact opposite)
  7. having some hideous deformity marring any chances of being the popular kid in school
  8. coming from some crappy planet which has already been destroyed...
  9. homelessness (see 8)
  10. overall codependancy issues

SO as you can see... not so much worth the situation. Maybe there's some inner work that needs to be done. ;(

Today at work I perfected the art of time wasting. If you've never done this, let me tell you! It's something you'll have to try at least once in the workplace. Just don't get caught. I did what amounted to about 1 hour of work which took me all damned day to do.

I also managed to buy myself a sexy halter black pinstriped slipdress (all satiny!) during lunch, called my coworker slash frienemy (heh i spelled out slash.. hah) james BOUSHIE! for talkin shit about ROSS while being in ROSS while i shopped,

FINALLY GROWIN A PAIR AND ASKIN THE UPS GUY IF HE WAS MARRIED

wasting quite a bit of time, explained the greatness of my new apartment complex at work, made patients laugh even when they wanted to kill us, stared at my toes through my spectator pumps as my feet fell asleep in sitting position at my desk, answered the phone in the highest pitched voice i could muster, played with my new dress and admiring my own chubby sexy legs while walking patients to wherever they needed to be... shaking my ass in my new dress at any chance i got, ignoring urgency as some dude's eye looked all zombified... so on.

see?? its easy. next time... you try it.

tomorrow... trunk show. Oakley's comin to do demos and so is the chick who sells BCBG and other brands. :p we'll see how it goes.

and finally... the cutest video on the internet... Cat wakes up from a nap



Cat Wakes Up From A Nap

Monday, May 5, 2008

tthinkin

thinkin gets me nowhere. i'm kinda stifled as its beautiful, cool and breezy outside and feels like an oven in my damned apartment. SUCKS.

i'm restless. I want to do something but what... I don't know. I'm trippin on this test run for tomorrow for the radio show. i'm trippin because my house looks like shit. i'm trippin at the strange sudden bouts of lonliness i keep experiencing. :( its been a weird day.

i need some kind of peace. i need some freedom.

I need to find that switch and flip that shit on to happy.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

MY BOX

and no i dont mean the one between my thighs.

as i unload my storage into my apartment i realize that its just retarded that i own this much shit. not only did i downgrade from a condo to a small apartment for just me... but i'm a fucking packrat!! i never realized it as i do now going through each of these boxes. i have no life for the next few weeks because i need to go through it all and make sure i'm not keeping anything thats just sucking up space.

i've also come to the conclusion that men and women alike are equally retarded and we should resort to electroshock therapy to learn from our lessons.

I've also unpacked about 4 boxes (3 actually... i condensed 2 into 1) and i'm thinkin i just need to take it all burn it.

I helped sherry pack up some shit in her house as she's moving and she showed me her new place... further away north. ;( but its beautiful and she's so happy! so i'm glad for her. she and i both agree right now.. men suck. badly.

IRON MAN:

as i said earlier... i watched iron man this weekend. here's the deal. I am a freakin nerd and while i've never been one of those uber nerds that allow my nerdiness to ruin my love for cheesiness.... this time i didnt know what to do. Del and I sat through Iron man and first... i saw the new batman preview, the what happens in vegas preview the new narnia preview the new hellboy preview and the new indiana jones preview! plus a few others that didn't stick as well. ooohhh THE SPIRIT. thats gonna fucking rock your socks i promise.

okay so Ironman first of all... I expected some kind of wonderful. I sat through it.. laughed at robert downey jr and his hilariously snarky character (i hate that word... snarky) which he played brilliantly and then it kinda phizzled. i sat through all the special effects, the bombs the blowing shit up and finally decided i was unsatisfied. i walked out feelin numb and slightly cheated.

since everyone else in the freakin free world loved it, something must be wrong with me. I may have to see it again at bargain prices next weekend. we'll see. all I know is ... there's goin to be another one and i'm hoping that will be better.

but i had a blast with del and he's turning out to be a great friend. :)

save for a few emotional shopping trips, the moment i almost bought a lil kitty (NO!!!! I'm not even able to handle a litter box right now!) and me walkin around downtown phx smelling of cardboard and ass... it was an uneventful weekend. but... i had fun.

:p

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Iron Man Review

one word... disappointing.

sure the special effects were gravy.

and the only thing that was outstanding was robert downey jr (sober?) other than that... i kinda sat there... enjoyed the Few hardcore laughs ... but yeah..

I'll touch on it when i get back later today. its just... i walked out kinda... feelin empty.

I did however enjoy the sudden creation of SHIELD. yeah... you know. ;p

Let the festivities begin!

the hellish claptrap of the workday made me want to light my own hair on fire and watch that bouffant baby burn. Talk about a hell of a day. I think the Doctors wanted to kill everyone as I wanted to kill the opticians who wanted to kill the techs who wanted to kill us. and all I could do was sit there and grumble to myself about bullshit a la cart.

arthur called me after dumping me over our non-relationship. i cried. why? because i'm a girl and it's in my genetic makeup to cry like a pansyass when shit like this happens. What makes no sense to me is why. Why was i crying? its not like I loved the guy. it was dates. a good time. nothing life long yet as he made excuses i sobbed. he didnt know.it was all on yahoo. fucking internet disconnects us from actual multi cell organisms. geez

and yet... he called me.

wanted to hang out tonight ... as friends.
i said yes. sure i had an alterior motive to tell his ass off (in a close range to home just in case he kicks me out of the car) but i didnt expect to see him and ... feel something pang in my chest. the ass. apparently i'd become attached and not known it. so there it was. my own freakin major arterie betrayed me over some kind words and a lil cuddling. damned heart.

its okay. i'll survive. he thinks he can top me. pffft. strangest thing though. i found myself angry and hurt. and when he tried to hold my hand... i didn't tell him off.. i whispered a no and told him he had no right touching me after tellin gme he didnt want me. i told him he can't do that. he needs to make a decision and thats on his head not mine. he can't be telling me he want's space then invades mine. PFFFT!!

we went to south mountain. stared down at the city. talked. he understands me now and i don't forgive him. sorry. thems the breaks kid. you fuck with me... you get... left behind. wow... i'm a cold heartless bitch.

well at least i know myself lol

now.. i'm home wondering if it would be totally wrong to chug the rest of the bottle of wine in the fridge. hmmm... i probably shouldnt.

TOMORROW....

IRONMAN!!!

Thursday, May 1, 2008

trip out

so I found him. the man of my dreams. the one I fell in love with years ago who's since disappeared from my life. all I had to do.. was google his ass.

Please... feel free to check out the Fat Ninja Of Love!

I haven't heard back from the Champion of the World. I'm guessin he either ran out of material.. or he's no longer interested.

I'm sittin here thinkin of how i'm living alone now and how its such a huge difference from living with roommates or family or a boyfriend. I'm kinda finding myself ... becoming kinda depressed. SHIT.

I need an outlet out of the house. i need to stop being a pansyass and start jogging.

I'm looking into Lapband. :( i gotta do something.

and this... this is hands down one of the best scenes billy wilder has ever created. ;p





I watched this movie tonight and it never fails to make me laugh hysterically while Jack Lemmon came home engaged and Tony Curtis bullshitted about owning Shell Oil. HAH but what was amazing is how absolutely beautiful Marilyn was. damn she was a stunna!

I love singing this song in the shower!




2 things:

1. what the hell was up with her dress?! obviously no bra or bustier! but was it just not zipped up int eh back!?

2. That damned bell boy makes me laugh every single time i see him! ;p

I was given an HP photosmart 812 camera. I love takin pix but I never really had anything good. so now i'm just takin all kinds of corny pix. wanna see??? lol the night I moved into my new place, i found i have lizards living on my little lamp post out side my apartment. i thought it was only one... but another popped up in the pix that was never seen that actual night!

trippy isnt he? sneaky lil bugger.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Did he just ask me out or call me fat?

I received a response from THE CHAMPION OF THE WORLD this evening.. which was so witty... i dont know how to respond back!

Yes Ms. Bubble head, I can perform and Im also mastered in those activities. Im surprised there is only 4, I usally do up to and exceed 50 requests including but not limited to, full body massage after work, cook gourmet meals with the option of serving it to you, beat up ex boyfriends or other non likables, change the oil on your car, clean the microwave, and pick up feminine hygene products on the way home. They just dont hand out the Champion of the World title to any yahoo with a falace. It takes guts, determination, and extra human strength, thats just to brush your teeth as the Champ. Well needless to say the wolverine and wolf didnt stand a chance so Im moving up to lions and chimps.

how in the hell do i even respond to that!!

Mr. Of-the-world,

but where are those ever elusive references??

lol what can i do for you?

how does that sound?

Not Dead Yet

so the whole fiasco with the dumping and the breaking of my heart kinda made me really really angry toward men and their lovely game playing ability. I've decided that I'd no longer be lil miss nicenice.

If they want game playing ... then they're about to fuck with the champ. so i'm back on POF. good times. but this time I'm back to just hang around. I'm not looking for Mr. anything at all. I'm just there to hang out.

but once in a while I'll probably get an email from a wayward guy mezmerized by my cheesy ass profile.

So here's what my profile says about me. at first .. i tried a few other routes... fancy, mysterious, hilariously cheesy, endearing... it was all bullshit. this was the final try and it was me being me.

this damned Imeem thing will probably change like every damned day. lol I love music.

man. I've changed this profile like three times within the last 20 minutes. I'm usually a part of the group at the bar thats laughing so hard you think we're stinkin drunk when in fact, we haven't even ordered yet.

I'm a punk by nature not just by music. I'm eclectic. Everything from dance to industrial. I loooove surf music and rockabilly though. thats my thing. I don't expect you to love it. Just accept that its in my life and on my itunes. Just like if you listen to polka I'll only make fun of you behind your back. :p just kiddin. stop crying. nothin wrong with polka *snicker*

two words. GO CHARGERS! nuff said.

I rock at wii boxing and am the queen of oldschool castlevania. if you know what i'm talkin about.. then you're gold. GTA4 makes me drool.

I'm all about going to see bands play live and gettin a drink while doin it. I love good food and seeing movies. Stayin home and veggin on the couch is definitely a great past time too. See... Its all a matter of whats goin on that day.

friends are good. maybe something more... who knows.

what do you think?

so i get this message from this guy. and before I read it... i always check out their profiles. Here's what his says..

About Me:
Well let me start by saying Im the Champion of the World. That is an official title that I won since I was 18 which is the legal age to participate. I know every martial arts and can no longer teach because Im soo leathal the cops dont want everyone to know it. I stopped keeping track of my money so I hired a team of mathmaticians from Yale to count it(there still not sure how much I have). I gave Bin Laden a wedgie back in 93. I been to the moon probably more times than you been to Circle K and actually built one there. Pres.Bush named the preemptive strike after my fists "Shock and Awe". Im totally awesome and buff, plus I rock pretty hard.
First Date:
Well once you wake up from fainting after you see how good looking I am, I would actually carry you for the rest of the evening thats how strong and fast I am. There is a super secret restraunt only for the coolest people in the world to dine at so we would go there first. If your still alive after being in such presense I would carry you off to watch a cage fight. After that we would go to my palace, thats if your FBI background check comes back clean, and show you my house of trophies in the back of my palace. Than play video games for the rest of the night.

I about died laughing. Either he's naturally hilarious or that took him days to write. ready for the email he sent me?

hey whats up its me, the Champion of the World, I know I get excited when I hear that myself sometimes. Anyway, I have a cage fight tonight with a wolverine and a wolf but after that I was wondering if I could make your dreams come true, unless you like the nightmare your living, thats cool too. Hit me back

yeah.

and for my reply... HEHEHEHEHEHE

Dear Mr. of-the-world;

I'd like to thank you personally for contacting me with your request for an interview. I'd first like to say that not only are your qualifications outstanding but your cage match ability puts you right up there with the rest of the cabana boy applicants.

I do however have a few questions...

1. have you ever mixed a drink in your life?
2. can you handle a large palm branch to fan me at any given moment?
3. can you dance?
4. do you have any experience with the ancient art of suntan oil application?

Please answer the above questions, and submit two personal and two professional references. Thank you for your interest in the Yasamin Foundation.

Yasamin
Founder and most exultant grand poobah.

Yeah.. I'm good like that. ;p

angry and alone. again.

i've been dumped by the guy i was falling for and trying to deny it. he avoided me for days then i finally asked him whats up. he told me it was over.

why am i crying?

i should be okay with this. but i feel like he used me to kill time while he was trying to figure his shit out.

oh my god i'm soo angry. soo incredibly angry.

so here I am again. alone.

in my apartment.

alone.

fuck men fuck dating and fuck this.

i'm soo over the pain.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

and the fasting has ended

DUUUUUUDE. ;p

did you miss me? yeah. right. first of all I should tell you that this is the last time I'll be mentioning my asshat of an ex roommate (the child molester). He apparently fucked with the settings on my stupid internet connection network thingamuhjig and for the past month, I've been unable to connect to anyone's internet here at the new place.

I have a pal named Eddie who makes me laugh (and kinda blush) who came over tonight and fixed it. He's freaking awesome. I'm back. and no, I'm not leaving you again. I'm like that asshole fairweather dead beat dad that only shows up when he's in town and his plans fall through.

well that's changing. this baby shall be nurtured and loved and ... bathed. because it smells. hah

so we catch up later. there is much surfing and catching up to do. also... I've started writing again and I can't tell you the idea because its too hot and the world might steal it and oh shit i think I've discovered a freaking diamond in the rough. just pray for me. My writing career [read:life] needs this.

goodnight!

Saturday, April 5, 2008

its moving day and tom green has his own county?? WTF?

so today's moving day. I'm throwing everything in force flex trash bags because i'm too lazy to search for boxes for a move up the street. its a nice apartment with locks on the doors and no sex offenders as roommates. I'd say its a step up. heh!

Del's comin to help move since he's bored outta his mind. thank god. i was afraid i'd have to do this shit by my self man!

and mind you i have no internet there so unless i suckle the internet teet of someone elses wireless setup, this may be the last update in a while. lets hope that's not the case. heh.

so i check my email and download a new yahoo messenger because i'm a sucker for beta testing [read:retarded] and see this story about 52 young girls taken out of another polygamist cult compound in texas. mind you most humans would be saddened by what these girls go through. me?? i read half way through it and start laughing hysterically when i read that its in Tom Green County.

TOM GREEN has a county in texas???

HAHAHAHAHA

okay back to packing and moving.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Lifted.

its been a bit. I haven't had the heart or soul to kick some ass on this blog. I thought I'd be able to give myself new rules and rock this thing in a whole new light. but you know What I realized? That's not how I function.

I'm not the rules and regulations type. I'm not the conform and clean up type. I wanted to make this blog a success but I realized... I've been going through so much that my mind hasn't been willing to take the mental responsibility for this thing. I had originally wanted this thing to be something that was witty, intelligent, silly, my life. but then i realized that my life hasn't been any of those things. its been horrible and downtrodden.

It was time to fess up and face the reality of the shithole that my life had become.

A year later. I realize that there was no way in hell nick and I could have ever survived. I miss him so much. I miss his friendship. I miss loving someone so completely; blindly. I miss his stupid laughter and the common interests that I haven't been able to share with anyone else. Now, now I've taken a moment to mourn the relationship that was built on a sinking boat. it went down in a ball of flames and now... i'm barely picking myself back up again, wondering if he's out there... loving someone else, happy. it breaks my heart to think about it.

and arthur. I feel for him. I like him alot. But i find myself stopping before I slip and say "I LOVE YOU." because I don't want to mislead him. I'd hate for him to think I love him with all my heart when I don't even think I'm capable of love anymore. Not now at least. I care for him. I love spending time with him. I love laughing with him. But i'm not ready. I know this. and I've told him. and I know he's falling. What the fuck do i do!?

and Jenny. I love her. She's my little sister even though we don't share a drop of common blood. I worry for her. but now... I realize I no longer trust her. i've written her off from my life. I hang with her, I laugh with her, but I don't trust her. No more. She hurt me so incredibly that I want nothing more to do with her bullshit lies about her life and herself and worst of all.. others. I wish i could be okay with her. I wish i could forgive. I'm probably going to hell for this but that's the price my soul cannot seem to face. She's buried herself in a pit of snakes and I've no real urge to dig her out anymore. That is no longer my job.

Work. I complain and bitch and moan.. but i love it. I love my patients and my work. I love everything about it. even those grumpy moments when danielle decides to be a bitch to me. Her hubby Mike works with us now. I don't think she likes the fact that he and i laugh and laugh like idiots together. I think she feels left out. I can't help if she takes life too seriously. She has no mentality for happiness. I make stupid jokes.. he laughs. He sneaks up to the desk as a ninja and i laugh. its mutual. and its only a friendship. There is nothing else there and I can honestly say that without feeling any type of guilt that it might be a lie. He's a good friend. better than her. and she hates that fact.

Paul. He sickens me. as a 16 year old, 25 years ago, he blew his 12 year old cousin and called it a mutually enjoyable relationship. I called it child molestation. he and i don't see eye to eye. he fucked with my little sister's life and my life. then he blamed me because he lost jenny. in all honesty, I blame myself for all of this drama because even though my instinct told me renting from him was a huge mistake, i did it anyway when she said it would be cool. i folded like a house of cards and fucked myself royally.

But everything happens for a reason. if it were not for him, Jenny's lies wouldnt have all come to fruition. we wouldnt all know that she's got an issue that really needs attention. she can't stop lying. and it also taught me a huge lesson.

Its time to grow up and deal with my past. pay my bills. settle my debt, finances, life's ledger. I've been frantically searching for a room to rent and sherry emailed my an apartment ad for a complex near my work. i applied not thinking I would even be qualified. well low and behold, I qualifed but they wanted a huge down. I scrimped every penny I have together and asked for a cash advance at work.

They made me wait almost three freakin days for an answer but it was well worth it. they've granted it to me and now... I'm moving out of this psychopath's house and into my own place.

Full Circle.

so thats that. thats where i stand. now.. you are completely caught up. maybe now.. I'll really update this damned thing and treat it right. its my journal. not some fucking circus to entertain and follow the guidelines of good blogging. its my brain split open and displayed to show you where I stand in life. Lets keep it that way shall we?

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Lets catch you up... 1

So I fell off the face of the earth there for about 11 days. sorry. I know. I'm such an ass! lol so lets do this presentation style!



Our key points today will be:


  1. dates with Ruhtra and am i really ready to settle down?!

  2. work is hell but only on hot days...

  3. my sister and my roommate are living in sin

  4. I'm lookin for a new place to live again (reference #3 please)

  5. i'm goin to visit my family in california

  6. the driving thing.

As it stands, my life... is as hectic as always. I think I'm predestined to live a life of hair loss and stress shingles (its a prediction folks..) Mark my words, I'm going to become one of those crotchety formidable angry older women who has a cabana boy they abuse.


oh my god I'm going to be Miss Havisham!!


soo... on to the nitty gritty.


Dates with Ruhtra have become more and more prominent. (heh i love that word). He's awesome. The date before last, I wanted to get him back for all the times he got me (all three hah) so I took him out with my whacky (read:stupid) sister Ynnej, and her best friend Rovert. It was originally supposed to be a date for me and Tra (short for Ruhtra) but I knew how much her best friend loved these old crazy horror movies, so I invited him. In turn, inviting her.


*So the friday came and I get a call from my sister. "Oh my god L. Please don't be mad! I was pressured! I felt guilty! I invited Luap!"
*I immediately became flabberghasted. "Are you f*cking serious!? This was supposed to be a date for Tra and I invited you only because i knew Rovert would love to see this movie! Why would you even do that!?"
*"Well I felt so bad! He said he cleared his night to hang out with us!"
*"Fine whatever. I have to let Tra know."


we end up driving in Luaps totally unnecessary big ass (i have a small penis) truck. I had decided to take Tra to the Midnight Movie Mamacita's showing of Zombie and City of the Dead!! Two extremely gory and outstanding early 80's classic horror films! We decided to go to dinner first and I was out voted. we went to Va Bene which turned out so expensive I wanted to cry. Mind you, I'm treating Tra. I'm payin. and I'm broke! so Va Bene it is. we pay a shitload of money to be treated like crap by our italian waiter and served really good food. We then head out to chandler cinemas.

We get there and Luap is acting weird alll night. ;( we pay and he says he'll wait in the car. I look at him and way "then why did you come?" and he comes in with us. he doesn't like Ynnej and her best friend bein all buddy buddy. he gets jealous. he gets up 20 minutes into the movie.. and walks out.

THATS IT! I glare at Ynnej and tell her "you better hope he doesn't do something stupid like leave us here." and she jumps up and heads out saying she's goin to go smoke a cig. Tra doesn't give a crap what's happening as long as he gets to spend time with me. and that... makes me happy. :) we enjoyed the movie totally and utterly and loved it because it was soo badly dubbed and the sound was soo badly done that we could do nothing but laugh hysterically through the whole thing. Luap and Ynnej finally return toward the end of the movie but at this point everyone knows whats up.

so we go home. the ride is totally uncomfortable. I cuddle up to Tra and just pretend its just him and I so I can ignore everything else. The next day... IT ALL GOES DOWN.

2.

I'm just goin to touch on work briefly as its not so bad. this last week was hectic but I got what needed to be gotten done.. done. hah does that make any sense? Well I'm not changin it now!!

Elleinad is still driving me up the freakin wall with her bullshit baby games of selfish tantrums and attitude at work. the new front desk chick noticed it and is already struggling with it. I had to go to my boss and stand up for her. its better now but we'll see how long that lasts. They keep piling more and more crap for us to do on us and its pushing people to the limits. Dr whatshisface is in Hawaii with his trophy wife Mrs whatshisface. Lucky them. They can't go a day without callin the place. its insane. but... whatever. not my problem. I just do my job answer phones, and thats that. whatever.

3. So the next day after the drama fest my sister and ya know what? I'll just post the message of describing it to my best pal in seattle. He's always got good advice.

L: oh yeh.
L: my roommate... is sick.
L: and my sister.. is no longer my sister.
L: and i need to find a new place to live like asap
L: lol
JB: wow
JB: damm anything good
JB: whats wrong with your roomie
JB: the guy right
JB: or the chic
L: yeah the guy
L: my sister and i got into it when she decided to pull me into the garage (by his urging) and announce that they were going to try dating. i looked her in the face and told her "thanks for fucking listening to anything i had to say" becuase i told her i didnt wnat to know any of this shit.
L: i wanted to be left alone and for them to relaize that i didnt give a shit waht they did
L: becuase they tell me this shit and my family will be up my ass grilling me to find out whats up and I dont want to know!!!
L: so i told them i have no problem with them doin whatever the hell they want, just leave me out of it. and i went upstairs.
L: my sister leaves
JB: wow
L: and he comes up to my room, knocks on my door and starts talking shit to my face telling me that my sister is trying to change he lying ways and i'm just making her feel worse and worse and we got into it and you know me i have a temper like you wouldnt believe so i told him whta i really think of him
L: i told him i think he's fucking sick for dating someone half his age and i think he has a sexual problem and that he's confused and his therapy isnt helping him
JB: uh oh..
L: i told him that now with his urgings to date my sister who's already fucked up in the head, her whole family has disowned her
L: that he is directly responsible as he knows she's got problems and he pushed her anyway
JB: damm
L: i told him that he needed to get the fuck away from me before it got worse
JB: this the bi sex. roomie
L: yes
JB: damm
L: and now he says he's not bi
L: because he doesnt want to have that in his life
JB: interesting
JB: can't teach an old dog new tricks
L: yeah i figured that much
L: so 2 days later to his much surprise i turned in my 30 day notice
L: that was on the 12th
JB: oh ok..
JB: why did you do that if you had plan
JB: no plan
L: well i do.
L: my sister D says that if i find nowhere, i can go live with her.
L: which is perfectly fine by me.
L: just until i find a place mind you
L: and i think i've found a few
JB: sounds good
L: hows seattle?
JB: what happen to Yllib
JB: and ur sis
JB: its nice
JB: it will be better once i get my car
JB: which will be in about a month.
L: well suddenly he's disappear.
L: she said that he and her just broke it off and she's glad because he had a possessive streak but i think he found out she cheated on him with my disgusting roommate.
L: oh nice
JB: damm
L: yeah
L: sucks
L: because he loved her so much
L: but whatever
JB: he was pretty cool
JB: oh well he can do better

4. so the fight I had with Luap made me go on ahead and turn in my 30 day notice. I am now officially looking for another place to live. yep. I've had it up to here. *Holds hand up above her forehead* he thought he'd do good by getting in my face and he learned that I don't scratch. I devistate. he's been trying to be cool with me ever since but he sickens me. totally and utterly.

but i'll put on the happy face so he doesnt burn my room down. until i move that is.

The last two items on the list will have to wait. I just can't possibly type anymore. soooo... i'm goin to visit my family. wooopiddy doo! and I cant drive (still). :(

there ya go. hah!

Saturday, March 1, 2008

ruhtra Date # 2!

yeah thats right folks! date number twooooo!!! heh

tonight I wore a cute lil frilly skirt and my lil black sweater and my lil leopard print flip flops hehe. He wore his nice dark denim jeans, a black grindhouse t shirt and his black chucks!! yeah thats right baby converse... is hot. ;p he looked adorable. he's kinda chunky but he works out all the time and he's good like that. He has a mustache and goatee and he's just soo cute :)

he said he loved the way i looked and he thought i was adorable!

and do you know where he took me!? to a park to feed the ducks!!!! yeah thats right :p feedin the ducks. i loved it. we had soo much fun :D we talked about movies and dancing and music and good times! I loved it. :)

then we went to the Reagle Beagle to eat and have a drink! we talked about the rockabilly world and the music and why i love it. I told him it wasnt the only thing i was into but i loved that i could listen to it when i wanted with my show. :) He told me how he'd always been curious about it but never knew how to get involved with it. it was great to talk about what i loved

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Now that's suttle... haha

this is why internet dating is hilarious.

noles543: can you talk? u might like this possibly
noles543: i can explain, are you there?
Bubble_Eyes: yeah
noles543: can you talk for a couple minutes?
Bubble_Eyes: is this s survey? noles543: no, just a couple questions and your input and help possibly
noles543: should i explain?
noles543: busy?
Bubble_Eyes: sure but i might be brutally honest
noles543: what does that mean?
noles543: i have these two fantasies and thought u might be turned on by them or might know someone that can help...can i explain?
Bubble_Eyes: nope. no you can't.
noles543: i am sorry then
Bubble_Eyes: and the reason you can't is because i don't really give a crap about some strangers fantasies.
Bubble_Eyes: good luck with that though.
*** noles543's IC window is closed

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Ruhtra

tonight I went on a date with Ruhtra. He showed up on time and of course I was freakin late as can be. I went outside and met him... and he was just soo cute. he's hispanic (mexican) and he's a professional.. and he has a nice car... and he lives with his parents. :( but whatever. lol

He took me to Samurai Sam's in tempe to eat and we were supposed to go shoot pool at 6shooters but that place seems to have changed to something else that is completely closed now!!! which sucks balls. I used to hang out there in my tempe party with the college student days.

He's hilarious! and he's sweet.. and he kinda gives me butterflies!!! :) I dunno. I'm kind of scared of that feeling. Not ready for it I think. I want it.. but fear it all at the same time. its a mixture of fear and craving. does that make any sense? its like wanting to eat chili's you know its gonna hurt later... but you want it now!

we drove around and laughed it up and I loved the fact that he's recently gotten involved in film. He wants to make visual effects and he is actually good at it! he's intelligent and shy and just so cute.

So we decided as a fun lil silly thing to do, we'd go to Fascinations. I felt comfortable enough to go with him on this little venture and figured I'd control myself better than I did with Matt. I figured It would only be smart for me to say no if things went too far.

Well I was right! We went and I bought a new lil toy and he bought a few dvd's. :p we went through all the isles and laughed at the stuff and kinda kissed and cuddled and didn't go too far in any way shape or form. we drove around a bit more and ended up parking and making out a bit. it was cute! very high school! :p He kept saying how much he liked me and I just felt all fluttery.

He drove me home, opened the car doors for me, walked me to my door and kissed me goodnight. It was amazing! :)

I really hope I get to see him again...

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

A Boy's Life

there aren't really any boys in my life .. well... there are but ... okay ready?

1. Nek -
Nek is the guy who came and took care of me when I fell down the stairs. :) then .... well... yeah. I liked him alot. too bad I haven't seen him since. :( we still talk but its soo cut short and brief that I know nothing will ever come of it. I'm not stupid. I get the hint. I'm just kinda sad. would have been nice to actually get pleasured on a regular basis ... stupid boys.

2. Ttam -
Ttam is a guy I've been talking to for months with no meeting. I met him on POF and we talk about everything ... even the dirty stuff.. but he's a 6'4 sexy nerd who's scared shitless of women and doesn't know what to do with me. I want him.. but ... he's gotta man up! it took him months to just call me!

3. Sitruk -
Sitruk doesn't seem to have time for me. What with his work.. and his mini truck club ... and partying with his friends... i'm not very high on the importance list. He did want to meet once but it was soo late I couldn't do it. I have a feeling he's trying to get out of actually taking me out somewhere nice. but he's sooo cute and sooo sweet to me ... through text. lol yeah that means alot. ;p

4. Neb -
Neb is someone I dated for a bit way back. it got serious enough to be sexual (which wasn't that great.... he talked too much during it!) and we were dating. then one day we got into this huge fight. he said some sh*t and I got mad. I realized that I didn't like him all that much. Why was I gettin serious?!! I backed off. He still texts me .. askin to sleep with me... sending me dirty messages ... stupid boys.

5. Kered - He's a freakin buttload of issues. didja ever see Bedazzled? The super sensetive guy who cried at the sunset and sand the dolphin safe tuna song? yeah.. that's Kered. He was sweet and kind and waaayyy too fast for me. we dated for a bit. and I liked him even though i knew he was an emotional wreck. I thought "I can get past the mush!" WRONG. one night... i slept with him. and it was GOOOOOOD.... then he said it. "i think i love you."
...
Yeah. I freaked. I ran. He ended up meeting another girl. they started dating and he and I tried to stay friends. but she... she was psycho. He told me that she was 19 (much younger than he) and a basketcase. i thought "you're perfect for eachother. you're such a father figure and she's just a baby" well... that turned out to be a horror story. She treated his kids like shit. he let her move in. stupid!!! she treated him like shit. she was stealing from her job. she stole from him. then... when he finally kicked her out... she called the cops and said he hit her... you know how i found out? she stole his phone and logged onto his yahoo account. insanity. yeah. you ready for the conversation? Names have been changed to protect the innocent .. and the guilty.

Me: i see you have your phone back.
Her: Who is this
Me: lol its Yas you retard.
Her: Oh well this isn't BEEP
Her: He's still in jail
Me: oh is this BEEP's girlfriend?
Me: oh is he? wow.
Me: can i get my stuff back?
Her: I'm not his girlfriend anymore
Me: but you're logged onto his account? real smooth
Me: he has a few things of mine i need to get back.
Her: No he was
Her: Never logined him out
Me: regardless...
Me: stuff...
Me: mine...
Me: need...
Her: BEEP hit me twice and he's in jail
Her: What stuff do i have that's yours
Me: well if you're still in his house then it would be the viao computer, the Metropolus DVD and the Katamari Damacy video game.
Me: I'd like those things back
Her: You'll have to ask him
Me: so you have his phone, logged into his account, wearing his bruises but no longer in his house?
Her: He kicked me out and in the process he beat me up
Me: just makin sure i have the story straight.
Her: My phone i bought it
Her: My name is on the account
Me: ah. but you're still logged in..
Me: which means you've been telling everyone who's messaged him that he hit you and he's in jail?
Her: Call his grandma she is the wife now
Me: lol she was always the wife.
Her: No i didn'tknow he was logined in
Her: On my phone
Me: but he hasn't been logged in in days ... and suddenly he logged in? no phone is set up with auto log.
Me: but thats cool
Her: Yeah well now she is once again
Me: it doesnt matter to me
Me: as llong as i get my stuff back.
Me: i'm sure she is.
Her: I don't have it
Me: i'm sure you don't
Me: i'll call around.
Me: thanks.
Her: And his house is cleared out
Me: by the way... this would probably be the right time for you to grow up and log him out of your phone.
Her: So wish you the best
Me: oh its okay. i can claim at impound.
Her: Why he's in jail
Me: don't you have your own yahoo account?
Her: He can't he's in jail
Me: he can't what?
Her: More
Me: he can't what?
Her He can't come anywhere near me
Me: so you stay logged into his account?
Her: So if you want your stuff good luck
Me: thats kinda retarded.
Me: no problem. which county impound was it taken to?

INSERT LOGGED OFF MESSAGE HERE!
Me: lol
Me: you probably shouldnt have used the invisible. every time you type... it shows at the bottom.

Turns out... No he didn't hit her. MIND YOU this guy couldn't hit a train headin right for him! he just isn't that kinda guy. he isn't anywhere near violent. he runs from it. and she... she's psycho. i can't even express it enough. he spent 28 hours in jail over a trumped up charge and a cut she gave herself on her hand. she's taken over his accounts including his myspace and has gone bonanas.

I ... feel bad for him because if he weren't so damned mushy and now with all the drama.. i'd have dated him again. he was the one i'd have liked to have tried again with.

STUPID BOYS.

now... i'm alone. good times!

never seen it

I've never seen this show and yet... I can't stop singing this song...

Damnit.



Nothin's hotter than the synth.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Ttam

so Ttam took me out tonight. first and foremost I want to tell you that my roommate is an assh*le. He basically told me to leave the house for 2 hours so he could invite a girl over and screw her brains out. but he couldn't accomplish that with others in the house. I stared at him for a bit and told him he was a dick for asking me to leave the house I'm paying rent in as I totally and utterly would never ask him to leave just so I could try to f*ck someone. I told him I pay rent. He has no right.

He begged and whined and b*tched and complained until i finally agreed.

Ttam picked me up and oh my god the guy is huge@!!! I don't mean he's fat. I mean he's a full SIX feet FOUR inches tall!! he shaves his head (goin bald maybe??) and has a knee injury (like he will probably be needin surgery soon) so he had to wear a knee brace. the kind atheletes wear. He's kinda gawky and gangly... not necessarily gorgeous but he's sweet and kind and i liked that.

We went to applebee's and ate desert and talked. We laughed and he accepted the fact that damn do I have a foul mouth on me. I really have to stop cursin so damned much! hah

I told him about my crappy roommate's request so we drove around real slow. Then we came the Park N' Ride. we parked and we talked. i leaned into him and we cuddled a bit. then he kissed me. then he stopped! he told me he was a kiss freak and that if he kept kissin me Bad Ttam would come out and there'd be no stoppin it. I wasn't planning on doin anything and thought I'd be able to say no but then... NO isn't something I've yet mastered I guess.

as we kissed some more and he got a hold of my breasts, I got turned on to no end and things happened.

I didn't sleep with him but after it was all said and done, I felt like kicking myself. :( I don't want to do that anymore. I've been through my fair share of quickies, one nighters, and short lived relationships because of that. so there! NO MORE! yeah well.. that's proving much harder than thought.

He brought me home, kissed me goodnight and off we went our seperate ways.

and I came home to find that my stupid roommate was stood up by his potential lay.

SO HAHAHA!

lets see if i see him again.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Job Security [read:office retardation]

I had to go back to work today, still coughing and hacking, still swollen. I got there early to find a massive scan pile under the desk, my patient files a shambles and my desk lookin like someone robbed me!

SOMEONE B&E'd my desk!

I have no idea how the damned office functions when I'm not there. It was like someone did my job.. just horribly! and what should have made me feel like I was covered in job security like a freakin glowing holiday ham, only made me feel like I needed freedom.

I think I'm a nomad. I'm not made to stay in one place too long. Not a job, not a house, not a state, not anything.

I sat and kinda stared for a good 20 minutes before I realize d that I'd have to work off the clock if I wanted to get anywhere near caught up. It sucked to know that no matter what I did I wasn't about to get anywhere near cuaght up because my retarded coworkers couldn't handle the job without me.

And sadly... it just got worse. all day the files were just horrible. I mean who was what and appointments were in the wrong spot and now I'm having to just do more work. I was apologizing and making calls to correct all kinds of crap. its amazing how much some people can screw up royally when they realize the job isn't that easy.

Man. I need some excedrine. my head's killin me.


okay... I'm goin to bed. tonight I watched The Quiet Man with John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara today after work and damn does that movie never get old! :D

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

you view la!

my uvula is the size of a green grape. except its red. very very red. so on Thursday Yram and Airolg both decided to come to work sick. I'm talkin coughing sneezing itchy eyes watery nose... I could read their symptoms right off of the front of a Nyquil bottle. Yram sits with me at the front desk and she's coughing and hacking, and I'm avoiding her like ... well.. the PLAGUE!! I can't afford to be sick!


She's so bad my boss ends up sending her home early! but its too late. the germs are everywhere and suddenly I start to feel a lil loopy. (or Lupe en espanol.. as if read by a white girl).


Friday Yram misses work due to the fact that she's sick as a dog typhoid mary style and can't stumble into work. I'm, personally, happy as a clam! unfortunately Airolg decides that our health isn't as important as a chance to come in and tell more patients about her lazy daughter in-law. in between coughing and hacking.


by the end of friday i know something ain't right because I gotta lil tickle in my throat. something keeps settin off my gag reflex .. which let me tell you! isn't easy. (get your damned mind outta the gutter you perverts!) i go home and immediately start taking meds. i'm poundin the nyquil and dayquil. i'm sleeping and takin care of myself.


Unfortunately in the midst of all this sickness... that whole drama with my now ex-sister she-who-shall-not-be-named went down. the stress wore me out. made me feel like shit even worse. even with the nyquil runnin through my system, I'm angry and crying and up all night long. there goes the healing process PHWEP! right out the window!


Monday morning at around 6:30 I wake up choking and unable to breathe. I'm talking psycho drowning style. So I'm grasping for life trying to figure out what I'm choking on when i tip my head back and suddenly my breathing passage opens.


Turns out I'm choking on me.


Yeah. My UVULA and the back of my throat had swollen up to not close but cover the breathing passage. when i tilted my head back, it stretched my neck and throat and moved it out of the way so I could breathe. Can you freakin believe it?!


So I (being completely afraid to miss work and lose my job as I'm sick alot!) go in to work. yeah. my boss picks me up, I show him my throat. He thinks I need to go to the Urgent Care but my other boss Ydnas is the one that would have to make that decision ... So when Ydnas came in... i showed her my throat. she tried to skirt around me and basically told me "let's see if Yram shows up."


Thank god she did. Noj (my boss that picked me up in the morning) took me to urgent care. they checked me in.. gave me a lil face mask thingy that made me feel like I have malaria! and sat my ass down to wait to be called to see the dr.


They called me back, sat me down and took my vitals. They set me up in a lil curtained room .. and when you lay back.. you see one of the flourescent light tiles is a painting of butterflies on a cherryblossom tree... like if you're goin to die here... you might as well stare at something surreal and calming.. right? lol


Dr Adajet came in and I laughed when he recognized me as the chick who fell down the stairs just a week before. ;p He checked me out and I told him I had had (is that grammatically correct!?) bronchitus just a few months ago. and that my PCP (dr not the drug) gave me an inhaler and sent me on my way. He thought it was odd that I seem to have respitory issues again. He then wandered off as most Dr's do in an ER or Urgent care.


I sat there... listenin to the little girl in the next curtained off area breath into a breathing machine. she choked, hacked and whimpered as they stuffed her with tubes and made her breathe deeply. I suddenly felt so horrible. That little girl had pneumonia. which is very dangerous for lil kids. I kept thinkin that maybe I was just bein a baby and I shouldn't be takin up the dr's time if my plight isnt so serious as all that.


Then the Dr came back tellin me I can't go to work because I'm contageous and that I'm very sick and that I need to use all the meds he was giving me. which entailed the ZPACK! which is the 5 day dose of antibiotic, another Albuterol Inhaler which now I have to use more often, and sadly and very scary... Prednisone.


I asked why the Prednisone?


He tells me "well it seems you have slight swelling of the lungs and heavy swelling of the bronchial tubes and throat. This infection you have is triggering bronchitus and we are hoping the ZPACK will be stronger than the Keflex they gave you last time. It seems to be lying dormant in you and waiting until you get a slight chill of any kind, then coming back. Please take all the meds and in 5 days... if you aren't feeling better, you come back to us. okay?"


So now i'm scared shitless right? I have swelling!?! WTF!? dang. like i'm not swollen enough with my Kankle from fallin down the stairs and my chubbiness... Jeebus.


So here's a pic of me in my sexy face mask. :p


and you wonder why i'm single... haha!

Sunday, February 10, 2008

So let it be written... So let it be done.

I've finally had enough. My baby sister Ynnej had finally lied to me for the last time. Sadly, I've had to cut her out of my life completely and thats whats killing me the most.

Are you ready for this?

She went to glamis with him and lied to everyone about it. I was the only one who knew what she was doin and where she was goin. she swore to me that nothing would happen, that she had no feelings for him that he made her uncomfortable and that if he made any advances she would tell me and we would settle it once and for all. All this time... I'd been thinking he was disrespecting me and my sister by crossing the line and making her feel weird.

welll. this weekend it all came out.

She came back from glamis and left my ass at the urgent care. yeah i'm a big girl i can take care of myself but damn does it suck. considering that I sat for a good few hours with her on her lil ankle trip. we get back to the house and I ask her about something my other roommate had said.

I have 2 roommates.

Luap - 40 bi works in importing. has it in for my sister and has a sex offender record for some crazy shit back when he was in high school.

Ezeerb - 20 straight trippy. prime example of don't judge a book by its cover. she kinda looks hot and ... trashy. young porn star look. but.. she's got a heart of gold and is probably one of the sweetest people i've ever lived with.

So here's where it gets outta hand.

Ezeerb - "Hey. So where's Ynnej?"
L - "She's gone to Glamis with Luap"
Ezeerb - "Oh really! Well I'm glad you accepted their relationship. It was getting weird in the house for a while there."
L - "What?"
Ezeerb - "Yeah. Luap told me he was going to have Ynnej tell you that they liked each other and that they had a right to date. He liked her and she liked him and you can't do anything about that so just accept it."
L - "Wow. really. Because Ynnej told me he makes her feel totally uncomfortable and that his sexual advances and comments are unwanted. thats really weird."
Ezeerb - "Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say anything. I mean I don't know really. That's just what he told me. Are you okay?"
L - "Yea. that is just so weird. I wonder which one is lying?"

yeah. at the time... I thought it was Luap.

So when I confronted Ynnej about it, all hell broke loose. she was pissed at me, pissed at Ezeerb and everyone else but herself. she stuck to what she had told me. that it was all unfounded and there was nothing between them.

Then she calls Luap. I have no idea what was said but she tells me F*CK YOU and stomps off in a tantrum the size of cleveland. she left. at the time i was pissed and angry and done with it. but my pal Nek(not the creepy guy i almost rented a room from..) was over and he took care of my gimpy ass while she left. he even got me medicine.

So in the middle of the week, Thursday to be exact, I get this call from my sisterSsirod. I tell her what happened with Ynnej and she says "Well haven't you seen her around the office?"

"No. Its not like she works here." yeah... that the response that started the breakdown of lies.

Ssirod tells me that Ynnej has her whole family believing that she's been working at my job. that she's been going to her parents with specific stories about patients that don't exist and that she's been training in the Mesa office.

Key problems..

1 there is no mesa office.
2 SHE DOESNT WORK WITH ME!!!

so someone ... calls my office and asks for my boss. they talk to her about it and my boss pulls me aside and has a little chat with me. I'm fuming at this point because Ynnej could get me fired for bringing unnecessary drama into the work place! She has no idea the rammifications of what her bullsh*t lies do! I'm lost and confused. I had no idea what to do. She's afraid to face her parents so she's stayin at my place. yes... I allow this after the things she said! Her parents are furious. they are on their last thread with her and her lies. They can't understand why she even lied about it.

So the weekend comes. my mind is goin a mile a minute with everything that's happened. She tells me saturday night that she is going to the Tempe Improv with her friend from work Ardnas and some other people from the YMCA (where she supposedly really works). I say okay. I even look up who's performing there for her! I'm excited for her! she says she's going to the 8pm showing.

at around 8:30 she calls me "hey yas look up some hookah bars in scottsdale for me online will ya!?"

"Okay but where are you?"
"In the bathroom at the tempe improv"
"Thats funny... I don't hear any laughter."

yeah.. it gets worse.

she gets home at around 3:30am stumbling drunk and giggling (Ynnej doesnt giggle when she's drunk..) "oh my god i'm soo drunk I had to call Luap to come pick me up! I'm goin to sleep on the couch."

When Ynnej gets this drunk she gets sick. I'm already sick with a cold and I wake up an hour later totally worried about her. Totally and utterly. I keep thinkin damnit she's downstairs alone, throwing up in the bathroom.

I hobble downstairs. yeah hobble my ankles still messed up!

I call her name a few times... she doesnt answer. I can see her leg bent under the blankets.. they are shaped like shes totally passed out under them with them pulled over her head. I suddenly feel like shit i need to make sure she's okay!

I know.. too protective.

I go to shake her. but my hand sinks all the way into something fluffy. I pull the blankets back.. and there are pillows and another blanket artfully positioned to look like someone was sleeping on the couch. I lose it. You have no idea how bad I wanted to just grab her and slap her about 60000 times! She lied to me! AGAIN!!! she completely lied. about everything!

She lied about my job! about her and her boyfriend! about her being with my roommate! she even lied about this weekend! I was done. I was so angry I paced. yeah actually paced my room. I shook with anger. I texted Ssirod at 4:30 in the freakin morning about it. I was soo angry I packed up everything she left in my room and stuck it in the hall on the table in front of Luap's room. I wanted nothing more to do with her.

So the next morning she texts me that nothing happened and that i need to trust her and stop jumping to conclusions and that i was wrong for everything.

I simply told her talk to my to my face or don't talk to me at all.

she refused. she said that i was going to make a scene and make the house uncomfortable again and that it was all my fault.

I Blew up. I told her that she lied to me. that she lied about everything and that I was done with her. That I no longer wanted her lying scandolous a$$ in my life.

then came the knock at my bedroom door.

"If you'd just listen!'
"Listen to what!? you lying to me?"
"I didn't lie!"
"You're busted Ynnej. You lied about everything! Get away from me!"

Luap tried to talk to me. I told him about her boyfriend Yllib. I told him about the job lie. she got pissed off and I simply said "he has a right to know why kind of lying you've been doing if he's going to get into our business!"

I told her off completely and have not spoken to her in a sane manner since.

Her parents found out and kicked her out of their house. It seems they are tired of her lying too.

so thats that. now... I need to find a place to live. I can't even see her without getting sickened to my stomach.

dang.

I will say this though...

ever since I said goodbye to Ynnej... I feel much better. no more lies. one less clusterf*ck of drama outta my life.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

damnit Ynnej

my older sister Ssirod warned me that my little sister Ynnej liked to lie. She liked to pretend like she does everything but no one does anyting for her. She is vindictive and caniving. I took it with a grain of salt. Everyone told me that the mistakes she makes is because she's so young.

Well... It's time to grow up.

I moved in with Luap thinking that Ynnej would tell him "I have a boyfriend named Yllib so please stop making sexual advances toward me..."

Unfortunately that isn't what happened. They continued to flirt making me feel completely uncomfortable as its not only disrespectful toward me as I live in that house and she's my freaking little sister!!! but to Yllib. Who has no idea that his girlfriend who he admitted he loves so much, is openly flirting with a 40 year old bisexual with a freakin record.

one minute she tells me it makes her uncomfortable and that there is nothing between them and the next they are kissing in his bedroom when they think I can't hear. I feel stupid. totally and utterly stupid. I believed her. and now i know i shouldn't have.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Bring Out The Gimp

First and foremost I need to stop and give props to Eli Manning (who i fondly call Baby Manning). He played and excellent game against the patriots and successfully, the Giants handed Tommyboy his a$$ on a platter. it was glorious. its too bad I was in pain for most of the game. Yeah. that sucks. ;(

You all know that weeks ago, Ynnej fell down the condo stairs, hairline fracturing her ankle.

Yesterday... I did the same.

It all started when my pal Emorej called sayin he wanted to come over hang out and do a load of laundry. I said sure! I (to this day still don't know my damned home address) So I tell him to call me when he gets close and i'll tell him which is my house. He calls and I go jogging down the stairs of the new house. around the third or forth step from the bottom I totally miscalculated and ate it.

My right foot rolls ... makes a sickening sucking crunch and i end up slaming into the glass end table and onto the floor belly flop style.

a moment of wailing.. "OH MY GOD!!!" and "DEAR GOD NO!!" yeah.. I really said that.. and the pain came. I thought I broke it. sudden nausea hit me like a ton of bricks and I break out into a cold sweat. I call Emorej and at first ... he doesnt pick up. I start to panic as my sister has gone to Glamis with my roommate Luap. My other roommate is gone for the weekend as well. I'm alone... and

I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP!

heh.

Finally I get Emorej on the phone and tell him where to find me. I can't stand so I all dramatic hollywood style drag my chunky a$$ to the door to unlock it. He finds me on the floor!! in pain! crying!

"Do I need to call 911?"
"No. Just help me up so I can sit down."

Emorej is much stronger than I thought he was. He hefted me up with no problem and helped me hop to the couch.

The ankle. OH ITS UGLY. I'm in severe pain. but damnit the superbowl is about to start!!!

so ... in turn I know at this point you're shaking your head goin "oh god I know she went to urgent care immediately." you know thats not true. I watched the superbowl.

My sister Ynnej and my sister Ssirod aren't getting along due to some dramafied bs that I want nothing to do with. So Ynnej lied to everyone about goin to Glamis. so no one knows but me. so She calls me and and tells me that she is on her way home. I tell her I fell down the stairs. she huffs and I tell her about it. she tells me to wait for her and when she gets in she'll take me to the urgent care.

I call my sister Ssirod and tell her what happened. She immediately tells me she wants to take me now that it isn’t good if I let the injury sit. I’ve never been hurt like this before. I’ve never broken a bone in my body. So Trust me… I’m Freakin out. I tell her okay and text Ynnej back to let her know that Ssirod will be taking me.

She tells me no. Just wait for Ynnej and let her deal with it. That I will be fine. I’m in pain. I’m confused. And Frankly, I’m retarded. So I say okay. I let my two sisters go at it about who’s gonna take me to urgent care.

At the end… I don’t go until this morning. Yeah that’s right. Monday morning I finally make it to Urgent Care. And on top of the Ynnej drops me off. Doesn’t stay with me at all, doesn’t even come back to stay with me. Just drops me off alone. I went to urgent care with her and stayed with her so she wouldn’t be alone and in pain. She however didn’t feel the same. I’m not happy can you tell?

They xray my leg from the mid calf down and look at my ankle real good. I’m still in pain and the swelling now looks like I’m muling a grapefruit across the border in my ankle.

The nurse is kinda green from lookin at the grotesque positioning of the swelling and the turn of my foot. Then the Dr comes in. Dr Adajet introduces himself, looks at my foot and makes weird cockeyed looks at it. He then does the typical Dr thing “hmmm. Does it hurt when I do this?” in which I squeal in pain and he stops.

He assess’ the mess and tells me that I’ve pulled and maybe torn ligaments in my ankle and upper foot. That the damage is going to hurt worse than a fracture. Ynnej finally shows up, hears this and tells me he’s full of sh*t because her fracture hurts way more than my sprain. I just kinda look at her.

He gives me rx’s for pain and inflammation and tells me that I need stay off of it just for at least a day. Says use the crutches and only light pressure when I can. I’m up for that, he gives me copies of my xrays and sends me on my way…

But not before he mentions that there is some odd clot of some kind on my shin completely unrelated to the injury that I need to have looked at.

Yeah… scared shitless.

So we go home. And that’s that! Now.. I’m all hot and Gimpy!





Thursday, January 17, 2008

D'oh... AGAIN!!

Well Damnit.

Went to meet Nek. Of course took Ynnej with me. its like a test now. If they hit on my little sister… its soo done. HAH!

We get there… he’s nice. He’s a huge chargers fan from San Diego. He makes good money has a nice place and is cool with both me and Ynnej. He actually had his female friend Refinnej meet with us too just to make us feel safe which I thought was totally cool.

All was going perfectly until he took me into his office, showed me his toys (RC Cars you pervs!) … it was just him and I and as we were talking… I turned my back and he grabbed my sides. My chunky parts. My love handles. My chub. Yeah. He grabbed and … attempted to tickle me. and right then and there… I was immediately weirded out.

Well there went that. L AGAIN!!

Boys are dumb. I’ve come to this conclusion after years of watching, researching and studying boys. They are complete morons. We hung a little while longer but I just felt totally weirded out. We left and I told Ynnej. She told me I’d be better off moving in with Luap and that she’d tell him he needed to back off.

So … maybe that’s what’s goin to happen. Who knows. :p

0_o L