Wednesday, April 2, 2008


its been a bit. I haven't had the heart or soul to kick some ass on this blog. I thought I'd be able to give myself new rules and rock this thing in a whole new light. but you know What I realized? That's not how I function.

I'm not the rules and regulations type. I'm not the conform and clean up type. I wanted to make this blog a success but I realized... I've been going through so much that my mind hasn't been willing to take the mental responsibility for this thing. I had originally wanted this thing to be something that was witty, intelligent, silly, my life. but then i realized that my life hasn't been any of those things. its been horrible and downtrodden.

It was time to fess up and face the reality of the shithole that my life had become.

A year later. I realize that there was no way in hell nick and I could have ever survived. I miss him so much. I miss his friendship. I miss loving someone so completely; blindly. I miss his stupid laughter and the common interests that I haven't been able to share with anyone else. Now, now I've taken a moment to mourn the relationship that was built on a sinking boat. it went down in a ball of flames and now... i'm barely picking myself back up again, wondering if he's out there... loving someone else, happy. it breaks my heart to think about it.

and arthur. I feel for him. I like him alot. But i find myself stopping before I slip and say "I LOVE YOU." because I don't want to mislead him. I'd hate for him to think I love him with all my heart when I don't even think I'm capable of love anymore. Not now at least. I care for him. I love spending time with him. I love laughing with him. But i'm not ready. I know this. and I've told him. and I know he's falling. What the fuck do i do!?

and Jenny. I love her. She's my little sister even though we don't share a drop of common blood. I worry for her. but now... I realize I no longer trust her. i've written her off from my life. I hang with her, I laugh with her, but I don't trust her. No more. She hurt me so incredibly that I want nothing more to do with her bullshit lies about her life and herself and worst of all.. others. I wish i could be okay with her. I wish i could forgive. I'm probably going to hell for this but that's the price my soul cannot seem to face. She's buried herself in a pit of snakes and I've no real urge to dig her out anymore. That is no longer my job.

Work. I complain and bitch and moan.. but i love it. I love my patients and my work. I love everything about it. even those grumpy moments when danielle decides to be a bitch to me. Her hubby Mike works with us now. I don't think she likes the fact that he and i laugh and laugh like idiots together. I think she feels left out. I can't help if she takes life too seriously. She has no mentality for happiness. I make stupid jokes.. he laughs. He sneaks up to the desk as a ninja and i laugh. its mutual. and its only a friendship. There is nothing else there and I can honestly say that without feeling any type of guilt that it might be a lie. He's a good friend. better than her. and she hates that fact.

Paul. He sickens me. as a 16 year old, 25 years ago, he blew his 12 year old cousin and called it a mutually enjoyable relationship. I called it child molestation. he and i don't see eye to eye. he fucked with my little sister's life and my life. then he blamed me because he lost jenny. in all honesty, I blame myself for all of this drama because even though my instinct told me renting from him was a huge mistake, i did it anyway when she said it would be cool. i folded like a house of cards and fucked myself royally.

But everything happens for a reason. if it were not for him, Jenny's lies wouldnt have all come to fruition. we wouldnt all know that she's got an issue that really needs attention. she can't stop lying. and it also taught me a huge lesson.

Its time to grow up and deal with my past. pay my bills. settle my debt, finances, life's ledger. I've been frantically searching for a room to rent and sherry emailed my an apartment ad for a complex near my work. i applied not thinking I would even be qualified. well low and behold, I qualifed but they wanted a huge down. I scrimped every penny I have together and asked for a cash advance at work.

They made me wait almost three freakin days for an answer but it was well worth it. they've granted it to me and now... I'm moving out of this psychopath's house and into my own place.

Full Circle.

so thats that. thats where i stand. now.. you are completely caught up. maybe now.. I'll really update this damned thing and treat it right. its my journal. not some fucking circus to entertain and follow the guidelines of good blogging. its my brain split open and displayed to show you where I stand in life. Lets keep it that way shall we?

1 comment:

NWJR said...

Great blog. Great post. In spite of yourself, I loved it.