FINALLY!!! OVER IT!!!

Thank you Yahoo.

L: what up
S Dot: whaat up how did it go last nite
L: i came to the conclusion that arthur fucked up and its irreversable.
L: he stayed the night last night
S Dot: okay...
S Dot: what happened?
L: well... last night he came over and we went walking. got good exersize
L: then came back to the apartment and asked if i wanted to go get something to drink.
L: first of all... he's a tight wad.
S Dot: lol
L: he didn't buy me dinner last night even after i said i was hungry even though i've bought him dinner a bunch of times.
L: the man is the king of dutch.
L: he RELUCTENTLY bought me a freakin vitamin water from the gas station.
L: then we came back to my house and we watched Knocked up.
S Dot: yeah you do not need a dude that wont pay for shit
L: he's selfish and spoiled
S Dot: sounds like
S Dot: so did you give him some?
L: hell no
S Dot: good girl!!
L: so after the movie we crashed on my bed and i told him that since he's not willing to commit then ya know.. i'm not gonna allow him to fuck with my emotions
L: so last night we were layin down and i was ready to crash and he spooned me... then pressed himself against me multiple times.
L: ya know.. if i still liked him... i'd have given in.
S Dot: you did good
L: instead i told him no. that i couldn't. i didnt want to go there with him.
L: so he woke up this morning, showered, and left for work.
L: and ya know what???
L: I kinda don't wanna see him again.
L: not like that.
S Dot: really?
S Dot: that's good
S Dot: you're over it huh
L: yeah.
L: i mean he really hurt me before and you know how i am about that. i have a very hard time getting over being hurt
S Dot: yeah...i heard that
L: and then i relaized i'd rather be alone then have some chubby mexican think he can rub himself against me when he doesnt wanna date me.
S Dot: apparently i'm pretty good at it lol
L: LOL
S Dot: LOL that's funny
L: yeah.
S Dot: yeah girl you deserve way better
L: just felt funky.
S Dot: yeah
L: i agree.
S Dot: what you doing
L: something in my brain is slowly changing.
L: nothin
L: wanna come over, work out and maybe hit the pool?
S Dot: yeah that sounds good

See??? I'm done. taking advantage can only go so far. lol

so today my boss decided to treat me like an incompetent retard.

i'm fucking frustrated tired and dieting.

i'm sleepy and feeling shitty.

i think... its time to find a new job.

i'm such a nomad.

she's depressed.

painting: Cisya by Kevin Garner

She's Depressed

By: L

A retrospective of the typical young woman.

She sat on the flattened carpet of her living room staring at the pages of the fashion magazine. Tears skipped down her cheeks as she caught her reflection in the thirty two inch television in front of her. she sobbed as she stuffed another dingdong in her mouth.

This was her life. No willpower, no control, no freedom. She was huge. Larger now than a baby elephant she cried with depression as her body became a prison in her own mind. Nothing could stop the self destruction that engulfed her mind.

When had she gotten to this level? Was it before or after he’d left? Was it always in her genetic makeup? With a mother whose hips could be called voluptuous by the kind and fat by the cruel, and aunts who’s witnessed lifelong battles with bulimia, weight loss, sickness haunted her. She’d grown up in a house with one mother, one person who was rarely home and when she was… there was always sopa cooking. She grew up in a world of rice, tortillas, spaghetti, beef. A house of heaping plates and maybe dessert. What was she taught?

“Mija, you better eat all that food on your plate.”

“God mija I cannot believe you ate all that food. You are getting fat like your mother.”

The depression started early. Her soul buried under pan dulce and empanadas. A culture clash home of Kebob Persian salad and tacos. A world of Koolaid and Lil Debbie cakes. It was harsh and uncontrolled and her own fault.

Where was the discipline? Where was the “Don’t eat that! You’ll ruin your dinner?” When dinner was heaping portions of Hamburger Helper and bread. What has she turned into?

Now, as she reaches her last rope, test results telling her she’s healthy as a horse under all 290 pounds of her. her heart beats, her cholesterol is fine yet her mind… her mind he rotten. What now? She sits… and she cries.

How long will it take for her to become the full coward that embodies her soul and slit those chubby wrists? How long will it take for her to drink herself to death one weekend? To walk into traffic? To wander into the desert and let nature kill her?

How long will it take for her to die as she so desperately wants to?

And where is the help? Where is the loved ones with support? Where is the person who will scream at her until she gets off her ass and goes jogging? Where is the person who will save her? because she sure as hell isn’t going to do it herself.

Will it be you?

fruition

Today was interesting. a storm rolled in and darkened the skies. Wind blew so hard it almost blew my wig off! ;p hah i love that saying. "what you tryin to do!? blow my wig off?!" lol

It brought thunder, lightning, sheets of rain poured down on my desert, saturating the land and cleansing the skies. people ran for cover as if the clouds sprayed us with deadly acid. I stood and let the beautiful water dowse my face. it cooled me from this vicious heat that's plagued us too early. I wanted to run in it. I let it soak into my shoes, bathing my toes in its cold splender. my soul felt clean.

I decided to use my old crappy lil hp camera to record little clips of it. this one.. was taken at my lunch hour at home.



What started as just tiny lil clips to catch the rain we so seldom receive... turned into a strange videography of my nightly emotions. they seem surreal... almost... unhealthy in their psychotic voice (mic issue) and jumbled erratic movements...



I try my damnedest to express the passion i feel about the soft enchanting sound of the downpour. I try to bring you into my mind as i explore the rainy night.



and finally I can only express my love for it. you are left feeling strange... almost lost.. as i felt.



but all in all... this pretty lil bell flower which had fallen from the tree in front of my balcony became a pretty little picture. :) I'm playin around with the macro setting on the cam. i have no idea how to use it but so far... this is the best pic i've gotten :p

silver lining

with all that's happened... its amazing how we all continue on with our lives, living as if we have no choice. but we all have choices and we make the choice to be strong and push on if not for ourselves but for each other.

my sister had light contractions this morning.. but nothing severe. she'll be havin Ethan soon. I'm so excited that I cannot contain myself. I'll be an auntie again and cannot wait to hold the little bundle of joy in my arms. I'm always fearful of holding a newborn, as if i'd drop him on the his lil soft spot and the world would end around me. so ... I've backed off before but this time.. I will not!! I want to be at the hospital and I want to be there for my sister.

I'll be taking in my nephiew Eric's cat Ruby in while Ethan acclimates to his new life. Its just safer for him and the cat if the cat is with me. plus I live up the street so Eric and Emma can come visit Ruby at any time. :)

I took Eric to see the movie which was long drawn out and exquisite to the eye. its one of those films that makes you dream of myths and legends. I wish i were a mermaid. its amazing how that thought sprung from nowhere lol

he loved it. I took him to best buy and spent a crapload of money on silly things but he and I had a blast and thats what counts. I love him to bits. I know that now he means the world to me. As i can't see myself having children of my own I tend to spoil my sister's.

I saw Death Note last night with Del and his dad. I LOVE HIS FATHER!! he's awesome. silly and earthy. a true hippy. he's got some great stories. The movie probably would have been good if not for the emo/goth smelly chunky nerdfest that surrounded us with their ubernerd snide comments and giggles throughout the movies. and then there were the fat chicks sighing at the japanese actors who were maybe remotely goodlooking. it was frustrating. I hope to buy the movie and try again soon. the concept is amazing and I think this is one movie that if taken seriously... america can make it fantastic.



I got my test results from the Doctor today. turns out I have Polycycstic Ovary Syndrome. ;( its not life threatening but it makes life hell and now i know why i've been suffering for so many years. I go on the 31st for an appointment with Dr Woods to talk about treatment. there is no cure... but there is life after diagnosis. we'll see. I'm also goin to a lapband seminar that same day. I don't know. I'll see. I fear that if i do it... i'll only suffer. but .. i can't live like this anymore. i'm trapped in a body that is fucking healthy as a horse according to my test results except for the PCOS.

my blood pressure, glucose, blood sugar, cholesterol, cell count and so on were all perfect. it even freaked my dr out a lil. but... the weight will not go away with the PCOS. i'll still be an angry bitch with peach fuzz and depression if i don't fix it. so we'll see.

now.. i'm off to bed.

good sundays

despite the pain my family's goin through right now, I decided I'm not about to wallow in it. I'm not about to marinate in my stupid little sister's drama. I decided that I'd live my life without her.

So I'm taking my little nephiew Eric to see The Chronicals of Narnia: Prince Caspian. He's dying to see the movie and so am I so I figured I'd take him for some quality L time. :p

I gotta stop at best buy for a mic and maybe a webcam for the radio show. we'll see. i'm kinda out of it.

i just had a serving of lemon pudding (thanks D heh) and now its time for bed. :P

aftermath

so i'm done with her. she called me to tell me the next morning and all i could do was play it off as if i didn't know. i pretended as the anger built up.

you have to understand...

round 1:

i woke up one morning in the old condo to find my little sister sick to her stomach and scared shitless. she's tellin me she thinks she might be pregnant. she has a boyfriend named billy. but while she was just starting a relationship with him, she was finishing up with her fuckfest with a disgusting 36 year old man who's daughter she babysitted.

so what do i do? i lecture her then take her to walgreens to get her prego test.



I rush her home, i crack it open, i stand by as she pees on it. we wait. I"M the one who checks it. yep... she's not only pregnant but the damned plus sign bar is the first to pop up. no confusion possible.

I take her to barnes & nobles, get her pregnancy books. I tell her she needs to tell her family. for some reason she tells her mother and our sister D that they are the only ones who know. not even me. which makes no sense and makes me feel kinda like shit. but ... she's my lil sis and i'm stickin to her.

I take her to baby's R us. we have a looksee at all that she can get. she's confused. not sure what to do. her mom... "you need to weigh out your life and what will happen if you keep it" my sister D "abortion is wrong".

me: "You need to do what's right for you as its your life, your body and your decision. you cannot let others make it for you and you have to face that. you and you alone will make this decision. let me know what you decide."

her: "I'm keepin it!" ... wait... "I can't keep it!"

it just gets worse. she finally decides to abort it. I tell her i'll go with her so she doesnt go alone. NO she says...

Instead she cries and begs my sister D to go with her. not only is this going against every moral fiber in D's being but she's 4 months pregnant and already showing. but Jenny doesnt want me or her mom. she wants D only.

so reluctantly D agrees to accompany her to her abortion.

My older sister and I had to witness the pain, the blood the horrific view of the ultrasound and then the death. they gave her 2 pills. 1 to initiate 1 to finish the job to take later. She has the abortion in my older sister's loft in her house. in pain, on the floor in a lil makeshift bed.

i freak out standing by with the news as its extremely dangerous for her as she's soo small.

D and I have frayed nerves and have to walk around with this horrible secret on our souls hidden from jenny's father. He can never know. if he did, he'd kill her.

to this day... he knows nothing. its been 5 months.

my sister d is now about to have a baby.... less than 2 weeks now... she's about to burst. and we find that Jen ... is pregnant again.
3.5 months to be exact. which means she did not take her birth control like she was supposed to and she did not learn her lesson from the first round and she did not keep her promises to D and I to wait. Instead... less than 2 months after the abortion, she's not only having sex but is pregnant and not telling a soul.

she says its billy. but i know its not because i know billy and he was done with her long before this.

so who's is it?

who cares...

what i care about is the fact that my older sister feels so incredibly betrayed and the moral burden on her soul has just collapsed onto her. she cant stop crying. she's breaking down. she feels so alone and angry at jen and she has every right to.

sooo... thats it. Jen's on my shit list and i have no remorse. may she learn her lessons the hard way and may her mother who's decided to pretend like the abortion that she had no problem with never happened, witnesses the pain and disgrace that D and I did.

Jenny is no longer our problem and I no longer care about her stupid childish games.

and you wonder why i can't find peace?

wel not anymore.