she's depressed.

painting: Cisya by Kevin Garner

She's Depressed

By: L

A retrospective of the typical young woman.

She sat on the flattened carpet of her living room staring at the pages of the fashion magazine. Tears skipped down her cheeks as she caught her reflection in the thirty two inch television in front of her. she sobbed as she stuffed another dingdong in her mouth.

This was her life. No willpower, no control, no freedom. She was huge. Larger now than a baby elephant she cried with depression as her body became a prison in her own mind. Nothing could stop the self destruction that engulfed her mind.

When had she gotten to this level? Was it before or after he’d left? Was it always in her genetic makeup? With a mother whose hips could be called voluptuous by the kind and fat by the cruel, and aunts who’s witnessed lifelong battles with bulimia, weight loss, sickness haunted her. She’d grown up in a house with one mother, one person who was rarely home and when she was… there was always sopa cooking. She grew up in a world of rice, tortillas, spaghetti, beef. A house of heaping plates and maybe dessert. What was she taught?

“Mija, you better eat all that food on your plate.”

“God mija I cannot believe you ate all that food. You are getting fat like your mother.”

The depression started early. Her soul buried under pan dulce and empanadas. A culture clash home of Kebob Persian salad and tacos. A world of Koolaid and Lil Debbie cakes. It was harsh and uncontrolled and her own fault.

Where was the discipline? Where was the “Don’t eat that! You’ll ruin your dinner?” When dinner was heaping portions of Hamburger Helper and bread. What has she turned into?

Now, as she reaches her last rope, test results telling her she’s healthy as a horse under all 290 pounds of her. her heart beats, her cholesterol is fine yet her mind… her mind he rotten. What now? She sits… and she cries.

How long will it take for her to become the full coward that embodies her soul and slit those chubby wrists? How long will it take for her to drink herself to death one weekend? To walk into traffic? To wander into the desert and let nature kill her?

How long will it take for her to die as she so desperately wants to?

And where is the help? Where is the loved ones with support? Where is the person who will scream at her until she gets off her ass and goes jogging? Where is the person who will save her? because she sure as hell isn’t going to do it herself.

Will it be you?

fruition

Today was interesting. a storm rolled in and darkened the skies. Wind blew so hard it almost blew my wig off! ;p hah i love that saying. "what you tryin to do!? blow my wig off?!" lol

It brought thunder, lightning, sheets of rain poured down on my desert, saturating the land and cleansing the skies. people ran for cover as if the clouds sprayed us with deadly acid. I stood and let the beautiful water dowse my face. it cooled me from this vicious heat that's plagued us too early. I wanted to run in it. I let it soak into my shoes, bathing my toes in its cold splender. my soul felt clean.

I decided to use my old crappy lil hp camera to record little clips of it. this one.. was taken at my lunch hour at home.



What started as just tiny lil clips to catch the rain we so seldom receive... turned into a strange videography of my nightly emotions. they seem surreal... almost... unhealthy in their psychotic voice (mic issue) and jumbled erratic movements...



I try my damnedest to express the passion i feel about the soft enchanting sound of the downpour. I try to bring you into my mind as i explore the rainy night.



and finally I can only express my love for it. you are left feeling strange... almost lost.. as i felt.



but all in all... this pretty lil bell flower which had fallen from the tree in front of my balcony became a pretty little picture. :) I'm playin around with the macro setting on the cam. i have no idea how to use it but so far... this is the best pic i've gotten :p

silver lining

with all that's happened... its amazing how we all continue on with our lives, living as if we have no choice. but we all have choices and we make the choice to be strong and push on if not for ourselves but for each other.

my sister had light contractions this morning.. but nothing severe. she'll be havin Ethan soon. I'm so excited that I cannot contain myself. I'll be an auntie again and cannot wait to hold the little bundle of joy in my arms. I'm always fearful of holding a newborn, as if i'd drop him on the his lil soft spot and the world would end around me. so ... I've backed off before but this time.. I will not!! I want to be at the hospital and I want to be there for my sister.

I'll be taking in my nephiew Eric's cat Ruby in while Ethan acclimates to his new life. Its just safer for him and the cat if the cat is with me. plus I live up the street so Eric and Emma can come visit Ruby at any time. :)

I took Eric to see the movie which was long drawn out and exquisite to the eye. its one of those films that makes you dream of myths and legends. I wish i were a mermaid. its amazing how that thought sprung from nowhere lol

he loved it. I took him to best buy and spent a crapload of money on silly things but he and I had a blast and thats what counts. I love him to bits. I know that now he means the world to me. As i can't see myself having children of my own I tend to spoil my sister's.

I saw Death Note last night with Del and his dad. I LOVE HIS FATHER!! he's awesome. silly and earthy. a true hippy. he's got some great stories. The movie probably would have been good if not for the emo/goth smelly chunky nerdfest that surrounded us with their ubernerd snide comments and giggles throughout the movies. and then there were the fat chicks sighing at the japanese actors who were maybe remotely goodlooking. it was frustrating. I hope to buy the movie and try again soon. the concept is amazing and I think this is one movie that if taken seriously... america can make it fantastic.



I got my test results from the Doctor today. turns out I have Polycycstic Ovary Syndrome. ;( its not life threatening but it makes life hell and now i know why i've been suffering for so many years. I go on the 31st for an appointment with Dr Woods to talk about treatment. there is no cure... but there is life after diagnosis. we'll see. I'm also goin to a lapband seminar that same day. I don't know. I'll see. I fear that if i do it... i'll only suffer. but .. i can't live like this anymore. i'm trapped in a body that is fucking healthy as a horse according to my test results except for the PCOS.

my blood pressure, glucose, blood sugar, cholesterol, cell count and so on were all perfect. it even freaked my dr out a lil. but... the weight will not go away with the PCOS. i'll still be an angry bitch with peach fuzz and depression if i don't fix it. so we'll see.

now.. i'm off to bed.

good sundays

despite the pain my family's goin through right now, I decided I'm not about to wallow in it. I'm not about to marinate in my stupid little sister's drama. I decided that I'd live my life without her.

So I'm taking my little nephiew Eric to see The Chronicals of Narnia: Prince Caspian. He's dying to see the movie and so am I so I figured I'd take him for some quality L time. :p

I gotta stop at best buy for a mic and maybe a webcam for the radio show. we'll see. i'm kinda out of it.

i just had a serving of lemon pudding (thanks D heh) and now its time for bed. :P

aftermath

so i'm done with her. she called me to tell me the next morning and all i could do was play it off as if i didn't know. i pretended as the anger built up.

you have to understand...

round 1:

i woke up one morning in the old condo to find my little sister sick to her stomach and scared shitless. she's tellin me she thinks she might be pregnant. she has a boyfriend named billy. but while she was just starting a relationship with him, she was finishing up with her fuckfest with a disgusting 36 year old man who's daughter she babysitted.

so what do i do? i lecture her then take her to walgreens to get her prego test.



I rush her home, i crack it open, i stand by as she pees on it. we wait. I"M the one who checks it. yep... she's not only pregnant but the damned plus sign bar is the first to pop up. no confusion possible.

I take her to barnes & nobles, get her pregnancy books. I tell her she needs to tell her family. for some reason she tells her mother and our sister D that they are the only ones who know. not even me. which makes no sense and makes me feel kinda like shit. but ... she's my lil sis and i'm stickin to her.

I take her to baby's R us. we have a looksee at all that she can get. she's confused. not sure what to do. her mom... "you need to weigh out your life and what will happen if you keep it" my sister D "abortion is wrong".

me: "You need to do what's right for you as its your life, your body and your decision. you cannot let others make it for you and you have to face that. you and you alone will make this decision. let me know what you decide."

her: "I'm keepin it!" ... wait... "I can't keep it!"

it just gets worse. she finally decides to abort it. I tell her i'll go with her so she doesnt go alone. NO she says...

Instead she cries and begs my sister D to go with her. not only is this going against every moral fiber in D's being but she's 4 months pregnant and already showing. but Jenny doesnt want me or her mom. she wants D only.

so reluctantly D agrees to accompany her to her abortion.

My older sister and I had to witness the pain, the blood the horrific view of the ultrasound and then the death. they gave her 2 pills. 1 to initiate 1 to finish the job to take later. She has the abortion in my older sister's loft in her house. in pain, on the floor in a lil makeshift bed.

i freak out standing by with the news as its extremely dangerous for her as she's soo small.

D and I have frayed nerves and have to walk around with this horrible secret on our souls hidden from jenny's father. He can never know. if he did, he'd kill her.

to this day... he knows nothing. its been 5 months.

my sister d is now about to have a baby.... less than 2 weeks now... she's about to burst. and we find that Jen ... is pregnant again.
3.5 months to be exact. which means she did not take her birth control like she was supposed to and she did not learn her lesson from the first round and she did not keep her promises to D and I to wait. Instead... less than 2 months after the abortion, she's not only having sex but is pregnant and not telling a soul.

she says its billy. but i know its not because i know billy and he was done with her long before this.

so who's is it?

who cares...

what i care about is the fact that my older sister feels so incredibly betrayed and the moral burden on her soul has just collapsed onto her. she cant stop crying. she's breaking down. she feels so alone and angry at jen and she has every right to.

sooo... thats it. Jen's on my shit list and i have no remorse. may she learn her lessons the hard way and may her mother who's decided to pretend like the abortion that she had no problem with never happened, witnesses the pain and disgrace that D and I did.

Jenny is no longer our problem and I no longer care about her stupid childish games.

and you wonder why i can't find peace?

wel not anymore.

just when you think you're outta the woods

simple post.

my stupid ass little sister who's life is already a fucking shambles turns out to be pregnant. who's the daddy everyone wants to know!! she says... billy. i say.. paul. that disgusting fucking child molesting sex offender.

now what's she gonna do?

not ANOTHER abortion! (this would be number 2! it was a great christmas gift you bitch! its not a form of contreception you retard!!! why couldnt' you have learned from the first massive fiasco!!??)

who knows. i dont care anymore.

from this moment on.. i only have one sister.

I"M FUCKING OVER HER GAMES LIES AND BULLSHIT

EVIL - and the art of time wasting.

First of all... I answered the questions to this lil test out of pure honesty, not even a drop of deceit was put into it to make myself seem more/less evil.

You Are 76% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care. Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

How Evil Are You?

Now seeing as it says i'm over THREE QUARTERS evil... i'm worried. i mean not really for my soul.. more for my social standing. being evil isnt everything. i mean... lets look at this for a moment.

Evil usually amounts to people with

1. a skull for a head (flaming or not)
2. wearing ugly colored spandex tights
3. living in a cave, lair, mountain/volcano cut out of some kind
4. apparently never winning...
5. having to kidnap people for a decent date
6. having to hide in the shadows unless extremely rich and maybe goodlooking (see 1 for exact opposite)
7. having some hideous deformity marring any chances of being the popular kid in school
8. coming from some crappy planet which has already been destroyed...
9. homelessness (see 8)
10. overall codependancy issues

SO as you can see... not so much worth the situation. Maybe there's some inner work that needs to be done. ;(

Today at work I perfected the art of time wasting. If you've never done this, let me tell you! It's something you'll have to try at least once in the workplace. Just don't get caught. I did what amounted to about 1 hour of work which took me all damned day to do.

I also managed to buy myself a sexy halter black pinstriped slipdress (all satiny!) during lunch, called my coworker slash frienemy (heh i spelled out slash.. hah) james BOUSHIE! for talkin shit about ROSS while being in ROSS while i shopped,

FINALLY GROWIN A PAIR AND ASKIN THE UPS GUY IF HE WAS MARRIED

wasting quite a bit of time, explained the greatness of my new apartment complex at work, made patients laugh even when they wanted to kill us, stared at my toes through my spectator pumps as my feet fell asleep in sitting position at my desk, answered the phone in the highest pitched voice i could muster, played with my new dress and admiring my own chubby sexy legs while walking patients to wherever they needed to be... shaking my ass in my new dress at any chance i got, ignoring urgency as some dude's eye looked all zombified... so on.

see?? its easy. next time... you try it.

tomorrow... trunk show. Oakley's comin to do demos and so is the chick who sells BCBG and other brands. :p we'll see how it goes.

and finally... the cutest video on the internet... Cat wakes up from a nap

Cat Wakes Up From A Nap

tthinkin

thinkin gets me nowhere. i'm kinda stifled as its beautiful, cool and breezy outside and feels like an oven in my damned apartment. SUCKS.

i'm restless. I want to do something but what... I don't know. I'm trippin on this test run for tomorrow for the radio show. i'm trippin because my house looks like shit. i'm trippin at the strange sudden bouts of lonliness i keep experiencing. :( its been a weird day.

i need some kind of peace. i need some freedom.

I need to find that switch and flip that shit on to happy.

MY BOX

and no i dont mean the one between my thighs.

as i unload my storage into my apartment i realize that its just retarded that i own this much shit. not only did i downgrade from a condo to a small apartment for just me... but i'm a fucking packrat!! i never realized it as i do now going through each of these boxes. i have no life for the next few weeks because i need to go through it all and make sure i'm not keeping anything thats just sucking up space.

i've also come to the conclusion that men and women alike are equally retarded and we should resort to electroshock therapy to learn from our lessons.

I've also unpacked about 4 boxes (3 actually... i condensed 2 into 1) and i'm thinkin i just need to take it all burn it.

I helped sherry pack up some shit in her house as she's moving and she showed me her new place... further away north. ;( but its beautiful and she's so happy! so i'm glad for her. she and i both agree right now.. men suck. badly.

IRON MAN:

as i said earlier... i watched iron man this weekend. here's the deal. I am a freakin nerd and while i've never been one of those uber nerds that allow my nerdiness to ruin my love for cheesiness.... this time i didnt know what to do. Del and I sat through Iron man and first... i saw the new batman preview, the what happens in vegas preview the new narnia preview the new hellboy preview and the new indiana jones preview! plus a few others that didn't stick as well. ooohhh THE SPIRIT. thats gonna fucking rock your socks i promise.

okay so Ironman first of all... I expected some kind of wonderful. I sat through it.. laughed at robert downey jr and his hilariously snarky character (i hate that word... snarky) which he played brilliantly and then it kinda phizzled. i sat through all the special effects, the bombs the blowing shit up and finally decided i was unsatisfied. i walked out feelin numb and slightly cheated.

since everyone else in the freakin free world loved it, something must be wrong with me. I may have to see it again at bargain prices next weekend. we'll see. all I know is ... there's goin to be another one and i'm hoping that will be better.

but i had a blast with del and he's turning out to be a great friend. :)

save for a few emotional shopping trips, the moment i almost bought a lil kitty (NO!!!! I'm not even able to handle a litter box right now!) and me walkin around downtown phx smelling of cardboard and ass... it was an uneventful weekend. but... i had fun.

:p

Iron Man Review

one word... disappointing.

sure the special effects were gravy.

and the only thing that was outstanding was robert downey jr (sober?) other than that... i kinda sat there... enjoyed the Few hardcore laughs ... but yeah..

I'll touch on it when i get back later today. its just... i walked out kinda... feelin empty.

I did however enjoy the sudden creation of SHIELD. yeah... you know. ;p

Let the festivities begin!

the hellish claptrap of the workday made me want to light my own hair on fire and watch that bouffant baby burn. Talk about a hell of a day. I think the Doctors wanted to kill everyone as I wanted to kill the opticians who wanted to kill the techs who wanted to kill us. and all I could do was sit there and grumble to myself about bullshit a la cart.

arthur called me after dumping me over our non-relationship. i cried. why? because i'm a girl and it's in my genetic makeup to cry like a pansyass when shit like this happens. What makes no sense to me is why. Why was i crying? its not like I loved the guy. it was dates. a good time. nothing life long yet as he made excuses i sobbed. he didnt know.it was all on yahoo. fucking internet disconnects us from actual multi cell organisms. geez

and yet... he called me.

wanted to hang out tonight ... as friends.
i said yes. sure i had an alterior motive to tell his ass off (in a close range to home just in case he kicks me out of the car) but i didnt expect to see him and ... feel something pang in my chest. the ass. apparently i'd become attached and not known it. so there it was. my own freakin major arterie betrayed me over some kind words and a lil cuddling. damned heart.

its okay. i'll survive. he thinks he can top me. pffft. strangest thing though. i found myself angry and hurt. and when he tried to hold my hand... i didn't tell him off.. i whispered a no and told him he had no right touching me after tellin gme he didnt want me. i told him he can't do that. he needs to make a decision and thats on his head not mine. he can't be telling me he want's space then invades mine. PFFFT!!

we went to south mountain. stared down at the city. talked. he understands me now and i don't forgive him. sorry. thems the breaks kid. you fuck with me... you get... left behind. wow... i'm a cold heartless bitch.

well at least i know myself lol

now.. i'm home wondering if it would be totally wrong to chug the rest of the bottle of wine in the fridge. hmmm... i probably shouldnt.

TOMORROW....

IRONMAN!!!

trip out

so I found him. the man of my dreams. the one I fell in love with years ago who's since disappeared from my life. all I had to do.. was google his ass.

Please... feel free to check out the Fat Ninja Of Love!

I haven't heard back from the Champion of the World. I'm guessin he either ran out of material.. or he's no longer interested.

I'm sittin here thinkin of how i'm living alone now and how its such a huge difference from living with roommates or family or a boyfriend. I'm kinda finding myself ... becoming kinda depressed. SHIT.

I need an outlet out of the house. i need to stop being a pansyass and start jogging.

I'm looking into Lapband. :( i gotta do something.

and this... this is hands down one of the best scenes billy wilder has ever created. ;p




I watched this movie tonight and it never fails to make me laugh hysterically while Jack Lemmon came home engaged and Tony Curtis bullshitted about owning Shell Oil. HAH but what was amazing is how absolutely beautiful Marilyn was. damn she was a stunna!

I love singing this song in the shower!



2 things:

1. what the hell was up with her dress?! obviously no bra or bustier! but was it just not zipped up int eh back!?

2. That damned bell boy makes me laugh every single time i see him! ;p

I was given an HP photosmart 812 camera. I love takin pix but I never really had anything good. so now i'm just takin all kinds of corny pix. wanna see??? lol the night I moved into my new place, i found i have lizards living on my little lamp post out side my apartment. i thought it was only one... but another popped up in the pix that was never seen that actual night!

trippy isnt he? sneaky lil bugger.