micro management moments

my boss thinks i'm such an idiot that she has to ask me every 20 minutes where i'm at in my work, what i'm doing, and that i should work and talk if i'm going to talk. she thinks i can't do my job. she thinks i'm incompetent.

which means i now i have a right to be a complete slacker and stop trying totally and utterly.

YAY!!!!

I want to post a chunk of my book.. but i'm afraid you will all (all none of you) will pee yourself with excitement. and we wouldn't want that now, would we? cat pissed in her box. she'll be poopin on my floor soon. i'm soo over her. my brother in-law thinks its the change. i think she's just being a bitch.

although i could be wrong. but at this point.. i don't care.

i ate burger king tonight. when will i learn?

i'm figuring when i hit 300 lbs.

good times huh?

so now what? i've dug myself into debt this paycheck and its wrong. i feel like a retard money wise. :( lets hope it doesn't happen again.

selective informing

why has my little sister not told our (being hers and mine) friend Crystal that she's 5 months pregnant? Funny how that works right? I told Crystal because I thought my little sister had already told her only to find out ... she hadn't.

Sooo now crystal is infuriated and she feels totally abandoned by her so-called friend who's all of a suddenly stopped calling her. I.. feel like a heel stuck in the middle of this bogus situation. \

My mind's been all over the place. last week was horrifying for me.

BOYS COVER YOUR EYES!!!

PCOS is killin me. the new birth control meds have totally messed me up. I passed a blood clot on thursday and missed work due to the massive waves of nausea and pain that flooded my entire body and senses. turns out my body clotted which could have caused huge complications to my body. When i called my doc, her nurse said she'd pass on the message.

Friday I went into work and an hour into it, the symptoms started again. I passed a clot at work and cried for 10 minutes on the bathroom floor as the mass amounts of blood loss made me feel overly anemic. the dizziness was taking over. by lunch, I couldn't stop shaking, the blood had washed from my face, leaving me ashen and my lips blue. pain came in gushes as my body expelled more blood.

i tell my boss goodbye and wait for my manager. suddenly i'm hit with a flash of pain and to avoid a scene i bolt for the back of the office... to the breakroom. i sit.. and uncontrollably start crying. my body won't stop shaking. my manager finds me in a ball huddled in a corner. he takes me home. dizziness starts...

i barely get inside where i pass out. really.

i wake up hours later, with a splitting headache on my living room floor.

saturday, cramps and cleaning.

sunday, best friend comes over and we hang out. cramps, swimming, cleaning, and shopping.

friday night my co-workers went out. after witnessing my pain... i still get a text message at 10pm askin if i'm comin. i'm like... uhhh... no. no reply. whatever. jerks.

I've found that they are fairweather friends who only want to hang when its convenient to them. I don't want people like that to be my friends. they suck. whatever.

i'm sooo tired. bed time.

when did we incorporate the necessity of the frenemy?

is it so important to have people around that we settle for those who will tear us down behind our backs?

and .. when will we ever learn to be happy in our solitude?

time for some much needed "ME" time.

Summer Solstice

So apparently my brain has gone into overdrive, overun by my own emotions as i become lost in my own thought processes and wonder so many things about myself. I know soon I'll be starting my monthly cycle because I can't stop fighting the urge to cry at commercials on tv, stories on msn.com and well.. when my cat wants to cuddle. It seems my emotions have gone haywire.

And as always, my body runs with the earth. It is summer solstice today, the first day of summer, 115 degrees outside and proving to be every inch of the pit of hell. the moon is full, my body is going insane, and summer is truly here.

I've started writing again thank god. I thought i was dead inside. but yes, i've taken up with an old story that i started a while ago and decided that I could see this one through! so i will do my best, small goals and all.

I picked out my yearly set of free glasses. Salvatore Ferragamo is one of the most talented designers. I've picked a pair of his ophthalmic pair of glasses supplied by Luxottica which is an amazing company that supplies high end designer couture wear in many different fields. I was also told that if I wanted to continue to wear contacts... I'll have to go rigid lens. RGP's are a whole new monster that I'll get to try on monday. I'm scared shitless.

okay shower time.

tainted

i watched the end of the mens gymnastics us trials for the olympics today. I watched as these men had their dreams either made real or destroyed. i watched the olympic commercials showing the beauty of beijing.

and all the while i could not stop picturing the open graves of darfur.

As much as I would love to support our olympians this year... i cannot. i cannot support this olympics as we all pretend genocide has not happened and refuse to take control of sudan.

and we.. by we i mean the un.. has allowed CHINA!! to stop us from stopping the killing, the raping, the utter destruction Darfur and now Chad.

so now what?

china... you sicken me. sudan.. you disgust me. and the UN.. you are cowards.

I WILL NOT SUPPORT THE OLYMPICS.

goodbye del.

the world is full of cynics. It takes the innocent mind and twists it.. deforms it into these bitter, grumpy husks of humans who walk around hating each other as well as themselves.

And then one falls in love. and what does it do?

It forces its loved one into submission. it loves with an iron fist. it loves, it destroys, and it moves on to the next sentient being. I've witnessed this and watched the utter desolation as it tears through otherwise wonderful people.

Tonight... I write this Eulogy for Del. Del Sunlover as I'll always know you.

We met on Plenty of Fish, lonely scared individuals looking for a little compassion and attention. We found ourselves to be remotely attracted only to meet and realize we were something much more than lovers or friends. we were family. You sir were my brother. my sidekick. my compadre. You were the Gidget to my Laroo. The Batman to my Robin. Arthur to my THE TICK. we watched hilarious movies, drank in dive bars, listened to amazing bands together. we talked to all hours of the night about bad dating, crazy women and men, and laughed at the stupidity of the internet.

You always made me smile with your plans of moving to San Luis Obispo and taking me with you as your crazy ass roommate who you hope doesn't kill you in the middle of the night.

You were my makeshift date to my christmas party. How the hell did we make it home alive that night!?

All i know... is that you will not be replaced but forever missed as your new girlfriend has demanded that you love her and her alone which leaves no room for any friends.

I wish you the best in your afterlife as I mourn your death.

Who knew that getting laid could kill a man on the inside?

apparently I did.

So.. Goodbye Del. Don't let the frienship door hit you in the nutsack that you're dragging behind you on the way out.

FINALLY!!! OVER IT!!!

Thank you Yahoo.

L: what up
S Dot: whaat up how did it go last nite
L: i came to the conclusion that arthur fucked up and its irreversable.
L: he stayed the night last night
S Dot: okay...
S Dot: what happened?
L: well... last night he came over and we went walking. got good exersize
L: then came back to the apartment and asked if i wanted to go get something to drink.
L: first of all... he's a tight wad.
S Dot: lol
L: he didn't buy me dinner last night even after i said i was hungry even though i've bought him dinner a bunch of times.
L: the man is the king of dutch.
L: he RELUCTENTLY bought me a freakin vitamin water from the gas station.
L: then we came back to my house and we watched Knocked up.
S Dot: yeah you do not need a dude that wont pay for shit
L: he's selfish and spoiled
S Dot: sounds like
S Dot: so did you give him some?
L: hell no
S Dot: good girl!!
L: so after the movie we crashed on my bed and i told him that since he's not willing to commit then ya know.. i'm not gonna allow him to fuck with my emotions
L: so last night we were layin down and i was ready to crash and he spooned me... then pressed himself against me multiple times.
L: ya know.. if i still liked him... i'd have given in.
S Dot: you did good
L: instead i told him no. that i couldn't. i didnt want to go there with him.
L: so he woke up this morning, showered, and left for work.
L: and ya know what???
L: I kinda don't wanna see him again.
L: not like that.
S Dot: really?
S Dot: that's good
S Dot: you're over it huh
L: yeah.
L: i mean he really hurt me before and you know how i am about that. i have a very hard time getting over being hurt
S Dot: yeah...i heard that
L: and then i relaized i'd rather be alone then have some chubby mexican think he can rub himself against me when he doesnt wanna date me.
S Dot: apparently i'm pretty good at it lol
L: LOL
S Dot: LOL that's funny
L: yeah.
S Dot: yeah girl you deserve way better
L: just felt funky.
S Dot: yeah
L: i agree.
S Dot: what you doing
L: something in my brain is slowly changing.
L: nothin
L: wanna come over, work out and maybe hit the pool?
S Dot: yeah that sounds good

See??? I'm done. taking advantage can only go so far. lol

so today my boss decided to treat me like an incompetent retard.

i'm fucking frustrated tired and dieting.

i'm sleepy and feeling shitty.

i think... its time to find a new job.

i'm such a nomad.